Written by Paul Blake
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Saturday, 27 June 2015

image for Escaped NY Prisoner Shot And Killed Only A Few Miles From Certain Freedom - Canada!
Any U.S. criminal that makes it to Canada, will be given free cigarettes and a good paying job!

Malone, NY - New York Police shot and killed one of the two escaped murderers from the Clinton Correctional Facility, Richard Matt, on Friday, only a few miles from the Canadian border - which would have surely been the end of the trail for all police involved in the manhunt, and certain freedom for the convicts, if they had of made it.

"I'm really not too sure if they even have police officers up there in Canada?" said New York Sheriff Butch Macho, who is in charge of the investigation. "We've had over a thousand highly-trained troopers combing the scene for twenty-one days, and we couldn't find 'em, so it worried us that they might finally make it to this no man's land called Canada. I heard they don't really have very good TV's up there - and that the electricity cuts in and out all the time. And I know for sure that they only have a handful of computers that they all have to share, like at the library. But I don't think they got internet or nothin' yet up there. We couldn't even find an email address for Canada.

But the uniformed line of Royal Canadian Mounted Police that stood guard, stretched across the entire New York / Canadian border looked mildly offended by Sheriff Macho's comments, only then realizing why they hadn't received a phone call to ask for assistance. "They don't think we have telephones, do they, eh?" said Head Mounty, Luke Garcón. "No wonder we haven't gotten a frickin' call from those Yankee Doodle Dip-shits! Well, I guess if we do catch the other one, we'll just shake his hand and give him a bunch of free cigarettes, instead of sending him back. Yep, we'll probably help him out with some social assistance until he can get on his feet. He's gonna be pretty tired when he gets here, poor fella. I hope he's okay smoking filtered cigarettes, eh?"

Meanwhile, Sheriff Butch Macho and his men sat in their squad cars with the air-conditioning cranked and Bruce Springsteen blasting away on the stereo, happy that they got to shoot someone, and surprised it wasn't snowing directly on the other side of the river that bordered the two nations. "Those dog sleds must have one helluva of a hard time in summer," he said, while looking though his binoculars at this wild land known as Canada, where, according to most American news outlets, any criminal that can reach it's untamed border has apparently got it made in the shade!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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