Written by queen mudder
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Friday, 19 June 2015

image for Texas frackers tender for Vatican's lucrative exorcism, relic-selling and excommunications business
Dispute centers around who turned Planet Earth into the biggest pile of filth

Irving, Texas - A hydraulic fracturing trade association is bidding to take over large parts of the Vatican's hocus pocus division after the Pope fingered the global fossil fuel industry for turning the planet into a 'pile of filth'.

Executives at the Irving-based FrackOff! Inc believe the Vatican monopoly on industrial-scale 'filth piling' must be challenged following Frankie the Argie's recent remarks.

This morning they launched an anti-trust law suit about unfair competition regarding paedo cover-ups, sales of altar boy-themed indulgences and the excommunication of nay-sayers.

"His Holiness should stick to the day job," lawyers for the lobby argue as they outline how the Pope's off-side foray into the weather catastrophe business breaches traditionally accepted parameters about ecclesiastical bullshit.

And they're promising to pull out all the stops to topple what they see as the Pope's predatory incursion into 'stuff he knows nothing about' ahead of the launch of their very own Fake Turin Shroud.

Discovered in shale rock formations just outside Midland, Texas, the 'holy relic' has already been radio carbon dating tested to 'prove' its provenance.

A slurry - uh, flurry! - of supernatural miracles is bound to follow soon.

Lawyers acting for the Vatican are said to be studying the court papers which challenge Pope Francis' allegations about 'who is behind turning Planet Earth into the biggest pile of filth'.

A stockpile of Vatican-owned Zyklon-B nerve gas used by the Nazis and laid down 'like a fine wine' by Hitler's Pope Pius XII in the Roman Catacombs may shortly be announced as the plaintiffs' Exhibit A.

Pope's daughter Lucrezia Borgia is 669 tomorrow.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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