Written by Kieran Keller
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Thursday, 18 June 2015

image for Aloof Dog Owner Shakes on Insidious Business Deal with Roxie

Laura Preston of Old Oak, Missouri, had no idea what soul-crushing deal she would be solidifying when she prompted six-year-old retriever, Roxie, for a paw last Friday night.

"I always ask Roxie to shake before I take out the dry food," said Preston in a statement made through Batara Kala, one of thirteen legally-appointed guardians who forcibly escorted her to the deepest circles of Hell later that evening. The entirety of Preston's business, Presstime Productions, has come under Roxie's ownership in the past few days, along with all earthly possessions and Stefano, Preston's 34-year-old Italian boyfriend.

"She never seemed unhappy," Preston continued through Batara Kala, whose fiery breath at times singed the microphone. "I know I didn't walk her as much as I should have, but I thought we both enjoyed our Netflix nights together."

Roxie, last seen leaving the Ritz in Barcelona on Sunday, sat for a reporter in exchange for a treat but would not comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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