Written by Colorado Joe
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Tuesday, 16 June 2015

Redmond, WA-Microsoft tycoon Bill Gates plans to make everyone connected to his software, his internet providers, his self-driving vehicles "if and when" he is elected President of the United States, Gates announced in launching his 2016 presidential bid this morning.

Gates, who is seeking the Democratic nomination currently coveted by such party luminaries as Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, wants to make the United States the MSA-the "Microsoft States of America".

Under his plan, all schools, businesses, government offices and private homes would have access to personal computers, Windows software such as Office 2013® and Microsoft Word®, Microsoft self-driving vehicles, smartphones and X-Boxes. If elected, Gates would supply Microsoft and PC products to developing countries and enemies such as North Korea and the Gates added.

"When Kim Jong-Un (the current Supreme Leader of North Korea) starts downloading internet porn, makes friends on Facebook® and Pinterest® and buys a couple of hotels from Donald Trump through Craigslist, he'll see the magic of internet and Microsoft and the Microsoft States will have a new friend in Asia," Gates explained. "And we could win over 1.3 BILLION converts to the Microsoft way in the People's Republic of China, by supplying them with Microsoft and PC products."

Gates' ideas for domestic policy are no less ambitious. He says that his computers and technologies would be used to replace teachers and other professions, eliminate poverty, provide people the right to vote, drive vehicles, make housework and homework "a thing of the past" and give human beings unlimited leisure time. "It won't just be the Microsoft States of America", explained Gates. "It will be 'The World According to Gates'."

To achieve that goal, Gates said he would fund his campaign himself, by providing Microsoft products to all Democratic delegates during the primary/caucus phase of the 2016 election. A source close to Gates said the products would only work if the delegates were pledged to Gates and his supporters, and added that other candidates' websites, software and computers would also be hacked and sabotaged. Gates would not comment on that rumor.

Gates did confirm, however, that the nation's capital would be in Washington-Redmond, Washington that is. "All of the federal departments, Congress and the Supreme Court would be located to our campus here in Washington State," Gates explained. "We have the technology on the Sammamish River that they don't have on the Potomac. We have the know-here on Lake Washington that they don't on the Eastern Seaboard."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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