Written by Paul Blake
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Friday, 12 June 2015

image for Rand Paul Filibusters His Wife For Boys Weekend In Vegas
Rand Paul wants a word with you. Do you have 3 days to kill?

Washington, DC - 2016 Presidential candidate, Senator Rand Paul, is well known in Washington circles for being able to talk the hind legs off of a donkey, as demonstrated in his ten and a half hour filibuster on the Senate floor this March to protest the Patriot Act and NSA surveillance tactics.

But few people know about his Olympic tongue talents better than his wife, Kelley, who has always had to pick her battles very carefully with her husband. "For years now, at the start of every senate summer recess, he and his other senate buddies have been flying out to Vegas on some private jet to have 'political strategy meetings.' This year, I was like, 'no way dude, I don't care if your running for President, your not going! I've got a mile of yard work for you to do and your dad's laundry isn't just going to do itself!' Boy... I should have known better."

Apparently, that's when her husband started up the old diesel-fueled generator that runs his mouth and settled in for a good, long filibuster session that lasted almost 72 hours. "He just followed me around the house for days, yapping away about his 'can't lose' poker strategies and his free 'all-you-can-eat' Luxor buffet coupons he'd scored off Lindsay Graham. I woke up in the middle of the night and he was still sitting straight up in bed, just talking his ass off about lobster rolls and shrimp cocktails. Finally, somewhere between getting the oil changed on our Escalade and doing some early Christmas shopping at Walmart, I was like, 'fine, have it your way - go on your stupid boy's trip. See if I care! Quite frankly, now I can't wait for the peace and quiet."

So, it seems any opponent he faces in the upcoming 2016 Presidential elections will have their work cut out for them. "Oh, you betcha," told Speaker-of-the-house Boehner. "Even ordering lunch with ole Rand can take a good half hour - especially if it's 'Surf-and-Turf Thursday at the Capitol cafeteria. Man, that guy can really put away some shrimp cocktails! I mean, they have some really good seafood at our cafeteria, really good. Like, I think they import it from Mexico or some foreign place like that. They are those plump little fuckers, you know. You know the kind? The ones that are really juicy and just explode in your mouth and the juices are just are so, so yummy. Those are the best. And the lobster rolls, man I tell ya - they never skimp on the butter and the side sauces..."

-Ok, Bone-dog, we get the picture. Jeez! For the love of god, if this reporter has learned one thing about Washington politics, don't get Republican's going about seafood!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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