Written by Paula Tsvayg
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Topics: Graduation

Wednesday, 10 June 2015

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New York, NY - Ignoring both the turbulent state of the American economy and gentle nudging from her parents to apply for barista jobs, recent university graduate Sophie Hartman was reportedly still optimistic about finding an editorial internship in New York.

"Well, y'know - I've just been writing my whole life and contributing to school publications since middle school," said the starry-eyed applicant, noting that the economy was in an upswing, and this was her dream career.

"Also, my friends regularly refer to me as a grammar Nazi when I correct them in daily conversation," she said, before frantically requesting that we "please don't put that one in? Oh god, I'm not an anti-Semite."

Sophie is joining fellow millennials that also purport their excellence in a group setting, occupy several positions in on-campus organizations, use a synonym dictionary to make academic papers as flowery as possible, list their main weakness as "caring too much," and exhibit a high morale that has not yet experienced the harsh sting of failure.

When asked to elaborate on why a graduate with a double major in sociology and communications is seeking a creative career in a digital media company, she chalked it up to serendipity, "Don't get me wrong, I absolutely loved the material I studied in university, but one day while skipping class yet again to participate in another four hour philosophical conversation with my roommates, I realized that life is too short to not do what you love."

"Am I terrified of the future and considering cashing in my dreams, selling out to corporate America, and accepting my offer from Barclays? Not at all," she laughed nervously, her eyes darting around the room, "My parents didn't take out a second mortgage so I could settle."

And if this doesn't work out, "Law school's definitely an option," Sophie nodded confidently, "Probably not corporate law, though - what am I, a walking cliché?"

At press time, the applicant was seen wearing her Starbucks apron and adding "Microsoft Excel" to her skills.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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