Written by Paul Blake
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Tuesday, 5 May 2015

image for Baltimore Homeless Dealt With During Curfew
Agnus Flinch didn't like being duct taped to a tree very much during curfew.

Baltimore, MD - During the recent Baltimore riots, the many homeless people living on the streets were also forced to comply with the city's overnight curfew, which lead to some very strange scenes in the down-trodden city.

"They duct-taped me to my goddamn shopping cart! Can you believe that shit?" said Calvin Randolph Jr. "I said, I guess this cart is my home. And they said: 'Then you 'bout to be taped to your cart all night long.' And that's what they did."

Still another man, Albert Mercer, was taped to a park bench for fourteen hours straight. "Yeah, I told 'em, this is where I live... and they wrapped me up like a duct tape mummy."

Still others were taped to the rusty underneath of bridges, or grimy bus stops. One man claims to have been locked inside a dumpster all night by way of the grey industrial multi-use tape, but rather liked the security of it in the end.

We caught up with Sgt. Tony Altoona, at a bordered up Dunkin Donuts. "Yeap, we did all that! That tape is great for everything. And it was the quietest night on the streets in months! "Cept for all the screamin' and moanin'."

As it turns out, Baltimore Police think they are on to something, and plan to have the entire city cleaned up within a couple of dozen rolls of extra-large, super-strength duct tape. "I got the boys down at Home Depot with the Paddy Wagon, loading up right now," said a happy Sarge, his fingers sticky with duct tape residue.

Back on the streets, we caught up with Agnus Flinch, whose been living on the streets of Baltimore for five decades. "I've never felt more stuck in this city," she told us, who also admitted that duct-tape was one very handy product, and had used it to fix almost everything she could think of. The elderly woman planned to save every last bit of the tape they used on her in the coming nights, for 'future projects.' "Hey, free duct tape!" was the silver lining in Agnus's dark little cloud.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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