Written by Don Grapper
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Monday, 4 May 2015

image for Bernie Sanders - "American Needs To Look A Lot More Like Socialist Scandinavia"
Vermont Socialist Sanders Says America Needs More Blondes Flying Off Ski Jumps And Longer, Darker Winters

Washington DC - Speaking with This Week host George Stephanapoulos, Bernie Sanders proudly admitted to being a Democratic Socialist and said he wants America to be more like Scandinavia.

"We need more fjords," he said.

"We have all kinds of windmills now but they're all those huge General Electric, modern looking ones with red blinking lights to warn small airplanes flying past them at night," he said. "America needs the old fashioned kind like they have in Denmark, that are pyramid shaped and near tiny little rivers with white and black cows in front of them and don't generate enough electricity to power a Casio watch for two minutes."

Sanders also said America needed pornos like they have in Sweden, telling Stephanpoulos Swedes still use film and women's breasts there are "naturally huge". He also said too much of America's land was habitable and above sea level.

"Socialism has worked in Finland," he said. "We need to take the same sauna intensive approach to life here in America, and we need to stop spitting on the sauna rocks so we can hear the sizzling sound. We also need to be invaded by Russia and fight back on cross country skis."

Sanders said the Finns like to whack their own backs with tobacco leaves while they're in the sauna.

"There's no reason that flagellant spirit of the Finns can't take hold here," Saunders said. "Virginia can provide the tobacco leaves."

Saunders said also that non white people will need to be stripped of citizenship and deported.

"Scandinavia is ethnically homogenous, which is why socialism works there," he said. "We need to be less diverse, both racially and ideologically."

Sanders went on to say that in a new fjord riddled America, blacks and Mexicans would not fit in.

"Visually, it would be too jarring," he said.

Sanders said if America was more like Scandinavia and had far right, racist parties that typically garnered about 30% of the vote, then it would be easy to ban dark people from fjord areas. Sanders said he sees no contradiction between his Jewish origins and thinking America should have more quasi-Nazi parties like they have in Norway, Denmark, and Sweden.

"Those parties have evolved towards a more anti-African, anti-Arab, and anti-Pakistani and Indian subcontinental position," he said.

Sanders praised the Scandinavian far-right for seeking only mass deportation of non-Nordics, a practice America could learn from.

Sanders also called for more Volvos and other cars that do not accelerate well and would never be used by gang-bangers.

"Our cars need to be boxey and sputter more and have obscure, small and expensive plastic parts that are hard to distinguish from bottle caps," he said.

Sanders said he would extinguish all salmon in the Pacific Northwest and replace them with herring and cod.

"Under a Sanders administration, all food would be pickled," he promised. "I would ban fruit and mandate that all dishes be garnished with pine needles."

He also advocated wearing clogs and said America wanted a President who believed in subsisting on jarred reindeer blood and bone marrow throughout the claustrophobic and bitterly cold 10 months of winter.

Sanders also said Americans should speak in funny accents.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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