Written by Paul Blake
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Saturday, 25 April 2015

image for Canada Seeks To Trade Away The Biebs
Bieber Just Isn't Very Canadian Anymore!

Ottawa, Ontario - Canada's Department of National Beaver Pelts and Other Foreign Trades, has initialized negotiations with its #1 trading partner, the U.S., to see which downtrodden celebrities they might be able to get in exchange for Pop-Star, Justin Bieber, and his entire family. And, it seems, Canada is willing to scrape a lot further down into the fame-barrel than most might have expected!

We caught up with Guy LaRoque, Head of Beaver Pelts and Other Foreign Trades, as he bartered away a batch of hollowed-out log canoes made in Quebec, to the Japanese, for a shipping container full of used computer parts. "We're willing to take just about anybody the U.S. can throw at us for the Biebs, eh. We'll take that dog-fighting quarterback guy, or that chick that killed her kid in Florida and got away with it - pretty much the scum of America. Chris Brown even, you name it! Is the Uni-Bomber still alive? Anyway - all the U.S. has got to do is admit that Bieber is now 100% entirely theirs, forever and ever and ever. Did I mention, you get his entire family, too?!"

Indeed, we asked several seemingly average Canadians, out walking their cats on the snowy streets of Ottawa, if they agreed with trading away one of their very own citizens like this. "Oh yeah, eh, it's time! He's totally bringing us down for sure, eh-" said Mandy Flake, who used to a big, big fan of the Biebs back in the 'Baby, Baby, Baby' years, and then, along with the rest of his home nation, soured on the Biebs. "All I know for sure is, he wasn't like that before he moved to L.A.,- eh. Now, he's what we call up here, a supreme douche bag - or, la douche bag supreme, if you're a Queeb. We don't go driving our freaking Ferraris around like a crazy person and throwing eggs over our neighbors fences - that's not who we are as a country, eh!"

But it seems even the U.S. doesn't really have much of a taste for the Biebs anymore either, and might try to bargain with their neighbors to the north for both Micheal Vic and the Kid Killer Chick, plus Brown perhaps - then, turn around and use the Biebs as trade bait to a country like Peru, in return for an FBI wanted criminal, like Joran Van Der Sloot. "Those crazy fuckers down there'll do it too!" said U.S. Department of Trade Secretary, Bill Craft, as he dialed up Canada's number to get the trade ball rolling. "Or we might even dangle him in front of Afganistan for some Taliban Dudes, it's up to the boss!" said an eager Craft. "The Biebs should like either of those places, though - plenty of dope in both for a little freaker like him!"

Writer's note - U.S. Trade Secretary, Craft, wanted to go firmly on record as we were leaving, stating that either of these secondary deals with Peru of Afganistan would be solely for the purpose of capturing fugitives wanted for murdering innocent Americans - and totally not because he's personally had to endure the Beib's 'whiny-ass' brand of music each and everyday for the last seven years, all the way to his daughter's school and back, completely ruining a sizable chunk of his precious daddy-daughter time that he'll never, ever be able to get back!!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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