BILLINGSGATE POST: Dr. Viscount Billingsgate, world famous forensic taxidermist, after receiving threats to shut down his business after he refused to provide wedding-day taxidermy services to Orvilla Leatherskin and Priscilla Featherstockings, a lesbian couple who tied the knot despite Billingsgate's lack of professional services, has received a windfall approaching $800,000 from conservative ideologues who felt sorry for the beleaguered taxidermist.
Billingsgate, fast approaching an age of indifference to cultural changes, said it wasn't "a personal thing." He said he has dealt with the two ladies for years, once selling them a matched set of Jackalope heads. For those outside the world of taxidermy, a Jackalope is the very rare and beautiful result of an evening of carnal bliss between a Jackrabbit and an Antelope, resulting in a creature with the head of a Jackrabbit crowned with the horns of an Antelope. This animal is native to South Dakota and Wyoming.
Dr. Billingsgate has had quite enough of this boycott, and with the money donated to his cause, he plans to go back to his cave in the Galapagos Islands. There he will collect and sell bat guano in the morning. In the evenings he will contemplate one of Nature's existential conundrums by turning a Giant Tortoise on its back and ponder why the turtle cannot gain traction in the universe.