Written by Paul Blake
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Thursday, 16 April 2015

image for New "Hire-A-Thug" Parking App is All The Rage!
CEO, Ivor Putinski, shows off Hire-A-Thug's new company logo.

San Francisco, CA - Ivor Putinski loves his new home in America, and wanted nothing more than to use his various talents to help improve the lives of the people in his newly adopted country. This inspired Ivor to develop his new "Hire-A-Thug" iPhone App, which he thinks will surely help counteract the growing parking problem on the congested streets of San Francisco.

"It was bad enough before," said Ivor, who quickly grew frustrated by the parking problems in his new homeland. "Then you go adding these little shit-weasels to the mix," he added, referring to the people using parking apps like Spot Squat, which allow the user to squat in a parking spot until another desperate motorist is willing to pay double (or more) for that parking space. "It's truly insane!" added Putinski, grinning through missing teeth.

When Ivor first discovered that such a practice existed in this new land, he was actually somewhat delighted. He immediately understood his place in America. "At first I thought: Wow, this is all legal? I didn't know America openly allowed such mafia-style tactics to operate freely on its streets. No one ever told me that! "God, I love this country!" he shouted out, pounding violently on the small wooden table in the Starbuck's we were conducting the interview in.

And a new iPhone App was born!

"My new App is very, very simple to use," explained Ivor, itching his arm furiously. "If there is a parking spot in question that you wish to possess, but it is being held hostage by one of these predator scum-dog parking apps, now you can simply hire me! For only half the price, a Hire-A-Thug "team leader" will show up to the spot in question and "open it up" for you.

When asked to further explain how his company will "open up" the spot, Ivor explained. "A team leader will show up on a very loud old dirt-bike style motorcycle with a scratched-up hockey helmet and a spiked baseball bat and other very menacing looking equipment strapped to them," said an excited Mr. Putinski. "Very Mad Max," he explained. "Usually the parking-squatter drives off quite fast, when they see us pull up beside their window. It's that simple!"

Indeed, Mr. Putinski never thought in a million years, that the thug tactics he had learnt growing up in the cement-block suburbs of Donetsk, Ukraine would ever come to help him in America, and is over-the-moon to find out that his new home is just as corrupt and lawless as the one he escaped.

"Hire-A-Thug" is set to go to go public on the NasDaq Stock Exchange, as soon as Mr. Putinski and his associates can "open up" some parking spaces on Wall Street. And be sure to follow Ivor on Twitter@#dieparkingscum.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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