Written by Don Grapper
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Thursday, 16 April 2015

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President Obama Asks Group of Second and Third Graders To Raise Their Hands If They Think The Tax Code Is Regressive

Charlottesville, NC- President Obama expressed amazement today that his political opponents sometimes call him a "tax and spend liberal." On a visit to an historically segregated, poor performing all black school, the President told students that he had cut taxes for middle class Americans and the deficit has shrunk, not grown, under his administration.

"They say I don't compromise, that I'm a tax and spend liberal, but I have proposed to Congress revenue enhancements that would put the income tax rate for the top fifth of earners at a rate still five percent below the rates in effect when Ronald Reagan was in office," the President said, holding a copy of Dr. Seuss's Hop On Pop that he never got around to reading.

The President looked from the children and to the librarian but only the latter gave any response. She tried whispering that "the kids don't know any big words," but the President appeared not to hear her.

"The kids did not understand much of what the President said," the librarian said. "And, to be honest, neither did I. I graduated from a four year, undergraduate library education program and the school was easy to get into, and I didn't pay much attention in high school social studies, which didn't matter anyway because the teacher was an alcoholic and showed movies all the time."

She went on to say that all politicians seemed corrupt to her anyway, and ignoring them was her duty as a role model for the kids.

The President told the group of second and third graders that Fox News "spun the sequestration battle of a few years' back to make it look like I was uncompromising."

The kids maintained their bleary eyed silence when the President said he agreed to "sharp cuts in discretionary domestic spending" and was "always ready to go to the table and discuss entitlement reform" but thought Republicans in Congress needed to be open to "revenue enhancements" specifically directed towards "shoring up our nation's infrastructure."

With the copy of Hop On Pop now on the floor, the President told the kids that infrastructure investments had long had bipartisan support but that in "this era of increasing polarization" the Republican Party is "too beholden to the influence of its core constituency of 'Tea Partiers' to come to the table."

Several students stood up and approached a small table next to which the President sat but the President laughed and told them to please stay seated.

"I am inclined to agree with those who see polarization as a result of an increasingly Balkanized media landscape," the President said, "and it is for this reason that I am open to restoring the fairness doctrine and contemplating also appointing a commission to examine its potential application to cable."

In the question and answer period, the President was asked if he had a dog and after he said yes, was asked if he had a cat and a Goldfish too, which he denied. He was then asked if the goldfish and the cat ever ganged up on the dog. He laughed and said that he didn't have a cat or Goldfish but might look into one after his term was over.

Other kids asked the President if he got free breakfasts when he went to school too and what kind of guns were used in drive-by's when he was a kid. Other children asked why his wife wanted to ruin their school lunches, which led to the most animated moment of the President's visit, during which he was told repeatedly that "vegetables suck." He was repeatedly implored to "bring back chocolate milk" and tell his wife to stop taking away their "vending machines." The librarian told reporters solemnly that she frequently gives the kids her spare change so they can run across the street to a Circle K and buy themselves candy bars and other sugary treats.

"It is really one of the few joys allowed them in their hopelessly blighted lives," she said.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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