Ferry Point, The Bronx, NY - With winter's harsh grip loosening across the New York City region, golfers are dusting off their clubs and getting ready to hit the links for the 2015 season. But this year, NY golfers are in for a special treat, as Donald Trump unveils his latest venture: The Trump Golf Links at Ferry Point. With views of the Manhattan skyline from almost every hole, the Ferry Point course is a tip of the hat to golf's Scottish roots, with wild mounds of natural, undulating grass and barely a tree in sight, to keep the views of the city center-stage.
But for the last 50 years, The Ferry Point location, directly under the Whitestone Bridge, lived a very different life. "It was a huge, giant eyesore - a garbage dump," explained an inflated Mr. Trump, dancing his fingers on his Mid-town desktop like he was playing the grand piano. "Are we gonna run into a few body parts here and there? Sure we are." Trump added without a hint of concern in the matter. "Just don't tell me that they're Indian bones! Man, you do not what that landing in your lap-'cause then you got troubles!" explained Trump, sweeping back his combover.
But Dr. Rudy Greenshitz disagrees with the new course's owner. "Any human bones are a big deal!" said Greenshitz. "My son was traumatized like you wouldn't believe!" said the Doctor. "Benny won't go outside anymore, won't go to school, won't even come out of his room. All he wants to do is play with his big sister's Barbie dolls and sing "Frozen" songs softly to himself!" Dr. Greenshitz went on to explain that his son had sliced a errant 5 iron into the dunes near the 11th hole at Ferry Point, "And on only the second day of the course's grand opening, too." And that's when things went terribly wrong, added a very flustered Greenshitz. "Poor little Benny calls me over from the green, where I'd landed a perfect 9 iron for an easy birdie-and I could tell something was very, very wrong. He was whiter than a member of the Augusta National Country Club and shaking violently."
What young Benny Greenshitz had found was certainly going to make his first round of spring golf at the new course much more memorable. "His ball was just sitting there, perfectly cupped by the lower jawbone of what was most certainly a human being," said Greenshitz. "And I should know, because I'm a doctor for crying-out-loud! A cardiologist!"
"Listen," said a defensive Mr. Trump, "In the '70's and '80's, New York City was a very different place. "A lot of stuff went down, and a lot of people saw something they shouldn't have seen, or said something that maybe they shouldn't have said-and these folks ended up with a one way ticket to the garbage dump," he said matter-of-factly. "If we go investigating every little bone fragment that we find out there now, we are never going to be playing any small-ball," he said authoritatively, while simultaneously firing an unpaid intern just for sport.
Back out at the course, we caught up with Ferry Point's new head-caddy, Mikey "Putz" Putkowski. "Oh hell yeah, we find body parts! I got a freakin' Home Depot bucket full of 'em already!" said Putz. "They told me to just get rid of 'em, but I thought I'd save them up for something, maybe make a cool lamp or something when I got the time."
Back at Trump's HQ in Midtown, we asked Donald about any impending lawsuits from traumatized guests at the club, like Greenshitz and his son. "Hey listen," demanded a defiant Trump, "this is New York City-you don't like it, leave! But fine, if a few people come forward to whine about a few skulls here and there, so be it. I guess it wouldn't kill us to give guests that find a body part a free drink or something here and there, after their round. But if I know New Yorkers, and I think I do, they'll be digging up their Grandmothers in order to try and squeeze a free drink out of me!"