Written by D P Whitehead
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Wednesday, 8 April 2015

image for World's Second Oldest Person Admits Chances Of Keeping Title For Long Doubtful
Madonna, Betty White and Joan Collins - Potential Future Champions

Just days after becoming the world's oldest documented person, 116-year-old Gertrude Weaver died Monday in Arkansas.

Weaver became the oldest person in the world after the death of a 117-year-old Japanese woman last week, according to records kept by the Los Angeles-based Gerontology Research Group. Weaver was born in 1898.

This now means that Frank Carter, 115, is now the new holder of the title.

Carter though admits his new title is a double edged sword.

"To be frank, which I am, I can't see me keeping this title for long. The last two champs lasted about a week each; and despite the fame, notiriety, the girls, the parties, the drugs and the adult diapers I have to face facts; I give myself a week."

Friends of Frank told reporters "He is not letting this go to head he is relatively perky and coherent when I talked with him before he headed to yet another nightclub opening," said neigbor Bryan Burns. "When you ask him for advice on how to live a long life he says, 'Masturbate for as long as you can, don't get involved in wars, try not to drive, leave your home rarely, love your neighbor and eat your own cooking. Don't eat anything that might kill you. Oh, yeah, avoid getting AIDS, Cancer and any other fatal disease.'"

Frank though has competition, a woman in China who is a day younger than Frank says she is just counting down the hours and that Frank won't last long."

"Frank won't last long - then I aim to keep the title for at least four weeks."

Betty White, who is fast approaching title contention has refused to comment, as has Madonna.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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