Written by Paul Blake
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Tuesday, 7 April 2015

image for Lindsay Vonn Says Tiger's Glutes Are "Fully Activated" For Master's.
Tiger's Glutes Are All Fired Up For The Master's"

Olympic Downhill Ski great, Lindsay Vonn, assured worldwide golf fans that her boyfriend, Tiger Woods, and his glutes, were fully activated in preparation for the 79th Master's Golf Tournament taking place this week. This in speculation, after Tiger pulled out of his last tournament, in February, citing famously that he, "couldn't activate his glutes."

"Boy, I'll say they're activated now!" Vonn told the Miami Herald's golf columnist, Chip Fairway, in an impromptu interview while in line at the Publix grocery store near Tiger's lavish home in Jupiter, Florida. "He's been activating those babies like crazy for the last two weeks!" she went on to say, while waving her hand in front of her nose to make sure that Chip knew exactly what she was talking about. "I've actually had to buy nose plugs to wear around the house." she told Chip after paying for her groceries. "See, got 'em right here in my purse!"

Although the alleged flatulence in question might not be helping at home, the farts sure seem to be working out on the course, with Woods shooting out rounds under par, like a Pez dispenser based on his likeness.

"That's not all he's shooting out!" said long-time friend and playing partner, Mark O'Meara. He's firing on all cylinders right now. And I do mean all cylinders!" making the same fart-smelling face Vonn had made. "I'm sure glad I'm not the poor sucker who has to play with him on my opening round of the Masters," added O'Meara, who didn't like anyones' chances of shooting a round under par, while having to duck and cover from Tiger's activated glutes.

We will soon find out who will be the last man standing, indeed, as the Master's hands out the Green Jacket this Sunday evening on CBS. Oh, and may we suggest that they open the windows nice and wide in the famed Butler Cabin for the Jacket Ceremony, if Tiger and his activated glutes happen to win.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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