Written by Jackson Hoff
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Tuesday, 31 March 2015

image for Lower Case Letters Overpower Caps
Lower Case Spokesman a

In a gutsy move years in the making, every lower-case letter moved against it's upper-case counterpart in a timed action that resulted in a complete upheaval of the entire alphabet. The entire event took only 3 minutes from beginning to end. The overwhelming victory is the first since the alphabet itself was created, leaving hundreds of millions of educators around the English-speaking globe speechless.

Surprisingly, few physical injuries were reported during the clash. Several Caps (as they are known), however, are dealing with down-sizing syndrome: letters O, S, W, X & Z are struggling to understand exactly what happened and what it all means. Alphabetologists are currently sorting out the short and long-range implications. They have determined that until certain conclusions can be made, the current alphabet will remain as is. Their decision is being challenged by the lower-case coalition, said the letter "a", spokesman. Grief counselors have been made available around the clock to offer some closure, to dot some "i"s and cross some "t"s.

More than a few educators are concerned as to what this may mean going forward. Jerrold "Gerry" Gerald, well-known alphabetologist at the University of Florida said earlier today that "this may very well trigger like events among punctuation marks, numbers and musical notes as well. This is just my sense of it. I have no formal training or background in either field, but i think for instance, the comma may very well attempt to overtake the period in an effort to become the most commonly used mark in the entire 'Punctuation Nation'." There are some who fear that this may have some unintended consequences similar to the slow but steady fading of cursive handwriting as a result of world-wide digitization.

Letters involved included: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (Capital letters, or "Caps") and abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz, collectively known as lower-case letters. There are no plans to add any new letters to the current alphabet at this time.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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