Written by E. Williams
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Topics: Rehab, Shooting, Bacon

Friday, 27 March 2015

GRAND RAPIDS, MI - A local woman was wrongly found guilty today of firing a shot into the drive-thru window of a McDonald's on February 10, 2015. We say wrongly convicted because the woman, "Shaneka," only fired the weapon into the store at head level after the McDonald's workers failed to put bacon on her cheeseburger. #BaconMatters.

If Shaneka had fired her 9mm Glock into the store because they left off the mayo, or even pickles, we would say "Lock the bitch away for life!", but this is BACON people! Bacon rage is real, and it afflicts hundreds of thousands of people each year who just want to be able to savor the delicious, smokey flavored, edible gold in peace. Robbing them of this experience is inhumane.

Shaneka will have to serve two years in jail, followed by a stint in bacon rehab. In rehab, she will learn that sometimes honest mistakes are made by fast food workers, how to calmly deescalate such unfortunate situations when they occur, and to always have a back-up bacon stash available that is never more than fifteen minutes away.

Shaneka will do her rehab stint at Hog Heaven, located near the foot of the beautiful Smokey Mountains at the corner of Maple and Hickory.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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