Written by Michael Balton
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Tuesday, 3 March 2015

image for Congress unveils do-it-yourself homeland security
Red Alert or the next Dr. Who episode?

Washington, DC - - With the Department of Homeland Security increasingly being used as a political football, Congress has come up with a backup plan. It's a domestic defensive strategy that relies on the American public to protect itself against terrorist threats.

"We shouldn't be playing games with the security of our nation," said House speaker John Boehner (R - Ohio). "But this is Congress and we could do anything that we want So we wanted to separate security from politics. And we did it by putting homeland security in the hands of our citizens."

The plan brings back color-coded threat alerts, but reduces them to three levels: 1.Red Alert. 2.Redder Alert. 3.Reddest Alert.

"We want to keep it simple so everyone can participate," said Alex Trebek, the game show host and insurance hustler who was named head of Do-It-Yourself Security, a Merv Griffin Production.

"We've included rhymes and rhythms in the instructions to make it memorable. For example we say 'when the alert is red, stay in bed.'"

According to the plan, when the alert rises to the next level, participants are instructed to put the covers over their heads. "When it switches to redder, things are not getting better."

The most severe warning is reddest, which requires that the terrorist targets hide under the bed. "Pretend that your dead, and you might just save your head."

Asked if having three shades of red might confuse which level of alertness is being flashed, Trebek replied: "we want to make sure that all threats are being handled on an equal basis, regardless of color. Isn't that what our Constitution is all about? Of course I'm a Canadian so I wouldn't know. Could you find that out for me, eh?"

With no homeland security personnel at airports, the public is urged to strip search itself before every flight. "We advise you reserve an extra hour or two for that," Trebek said. "And remember, personal vibration devices are still not allowed in carry-ons."

Collective group security measures are also part of do-it-yourself security. "We are urging every able-bodied American to march right down to the Home Depot and buy yourself a pitchfork," Trebek said. "Nothing turns a tranquil crowd into a violent mob like a couple of pitchforks."

However, do-it-yourself homeland security volunteers will not be permitted to carry firearms. Trebek pointed out that guns are dangerous and are the leading cause of bullet wounds.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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