Written by Don Grapper
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Friday, 27 February 2015

Washington DC - The Obama Administration's education department has come under fire for re-writing the nation's sex education standards so that they emphasize technique.

The new standards, summarized in a recent Department of Education press release, promise that the next wave of the nation's adults will "orgasm much more intensely" than any previous American generation.

The press release's bullet point list of "revised" standards included such benchmarks as:

"By 11th grade, all male students will have a personalized set of disgusting mental images they can call upon to delay ejaculation."

Conservative groups, in particular were in an uproar.

"Teaching boys how to do it to their girlfriend's doggie-style needs to be left to the states," said Henry Jones, President of the Federalist Society. "It is time for Washington to re-limit itself to its Constitutional restraints."

Jones went on to say that those states that don't wish to have school teach sexual technique "could be at a competitive disadvantage in today's economy" where "sexual favors matter more than technical skills, training, and educational qualifications, but the choice is "still theirs to make."

"Article I of the Constitution clearly and very explicitly lays out the Federal Government's powers," Jones said, "and teaching 10th graders how to have 'mind-blowing orgasms' is nowhere on the list."

Robert Smith, Constitutional Expert at the Heritage think tank in DC agrees.

"The Constitution lets the Feds raise an army, but doesn't let them teach kids how to raise a dick."

Other conservative groups took a tougher stand and argued that sexual technique is not a thing to be taught by government at all.

"We have gotten along just fine for centuries having men and women learn how to bring each other to orgasm either on their own, through trial and error, or with the aid of manuals and Women's Magazines," said Family Rights Council President Shirley Harter.

She cited a recent "Cosmo" article called "Keep Him Around by Making Him Come Super Hard."

"Sexual technique is a skill best disseminated through the organs of the private sector," she said. "Our through the institutions of civil society - the family, church, Bowling leagues, Fraternal organizations, and the like."

Officials from the Department for Education insisted the education standards were devised with input from "the best experts" and said they are "fully consistent with the latest university research."

Vice-President Biden made off the cuff remarks regarding the standards to reporters, saying "they were great!" and that he wished "they'd been around when I was a youngster" and said "in reality, they're all pretty tame" and said "if you really want to get off, try doing some of those positions while sucking on a tank of nitrous."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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