WINDY CITY - Despite the benefits of name recognition, Big Buck$ in campaign funds, and the endorsement of Prezident Obummer, The Windy City's incumbent mayor Rahm Emanuel was unable to secure enough votes to prevent a runoff election with his chief rival, Jesus Garcia.
Garcia, who also has widespread name recognition, with regard to his first name, especially, boasts, "I am a man of the people: illegals love me. My opponent, on the other hand, is bought and paid for by special interests, and we don't want him, even here, in The Windy City, where we play hardball politics."
"I'm embarrassed," Obummer admitted. "My political capital isn't good anymore, even among my homies."
Voters voted against Emanuel, in part, because of a teacher's strike, because he closed schools "to save money," and because, in general, Garcia's supporters point out, "he's just an all-around asshole."
Obummer took issue with these statements about his former chief of staff. "Rham is many things to many people," the prezident maintained, "but he did not cause the teacher's strike, nor did he close schools without good reason."
The prezident said "no comment" when asked about the other allegation critics have lodged about Emanuel's being an "asshole."
"People will have to make their own assessments of his anal retentiveness," Obummer said, "but I certainly found him to be cooperative in that role in his servicing me."