Leaked Galleys from Taking Fire For Talking Points, Jay Carney's tell-all memoir of his time as President Obama's press secretary, show that Obama wanted to dump Joe Biden from the Democratic ticket for the 2012 election because Biden never flushed the toilet.
Unlike other rumors that Obama wanted to replace Biden for being prone to gaffes, Carney writes that for Obama, "it was all about the shits." Carney also writes Obama did not want to replace Biden with Hilary Clinton because "she left her fair share of floaters in West Wing toilets too."
"The President asked us to find him the 'anti-Biden'," Carney writes.
By that, Obama meant a "man or woman who knew to flush, lit a match after, and had a foreign policy background that would appease the more hawkish in our party's coalition."
The President's campaign advisors, who lived and worked outside of the White House and never had to walk in and find one of Biden's logs, urged Obama to keep Biden on the ticket, for both his negotiating skills as a liaison to the Senate, as well as for "comic relief."
Carney writes also that Biden's urinary habits were just as problematic.
"He liked to stand as far back from the toilet as he could and try arcing his urine into the commode," Carney explains.
He goes on to write that nine times out of ten "Biden missed."
Female staffers complained that Biden would frequently approach them any time they stood anywhere near a bathroom, ask them to hold the cup of coffee Carney says Michelle Obama believed Biden always had just for this purpose, then unzip in front of them while backing through the bathroom door. Carney says Biden would sometimes have his cock out and stop his backward progress and tell the woman,
"Be a doll and gimme one last sip."
Carney says Obama lost it once and "ordered" Biden "to hold it" when Biden tried nudging into a urinal already being used by the head of a Japanese trade delegation, offering to "cross Samurai swords". Obama was hugging the far urinal, himself taking a leak.
According to Carney, Biden "disrupted the trade meeting that began moments after, with repeated, loud proclamations that by "crossing swords" he meant "let's make an "x" with our urine streams" not "let's rub dicks."
"Biden was quite adamant about making sure a Japanese secretary accompanying the Trade Minister he 'wanted to bone,' did not think 'he was a fag,'" Carney writes in the book's only illustrated chapter.
Challenged on the veracity of his claims, Carney told reporters outside a Georgetown Starbucks, "you don't know the half of it." He said Biden was "not at all adverse to pulling interns off the commode mid-turd and telling them they're lucky he didn't take them back to the Watergate Motel and 'come all over their blue dresses.'"
"He liked also to try moving urine cakes when his urine stream was especially forceful," Carney said.
"He always asked anyone in there to watch," Carney said.
Carney says that every time Obama excused himself from a room, Biden asked "gotta turtle?"
Carney writes that at one point the two "nearly came to blows, when Obama left to take an important call from Al Sharpton."
"Sounds like number 1 has to number 2," Biden is alleged to have said.
"Obama pinned him on the table and tried to strangle him," Carney writes.
Carney says that the dilemma of replacing Biden was resolved when the President finally assigned the VP his own bathroom and prohibited him from using any frequented by others.
"My contacts still working in the White House say the prohibition is one Biden observes only in the Breech."
Obama is reported to object also to Biden's secret service code name, "Log Jammer."
Biden has been caught on mike countless times whispering to wives of foreign dignitaries that his code name "refers to the the size of my dick."
Analysts point out that Biden's "shit, piss and dick humor" makes him an invaluable political asset.
"The truth is, most world leaders like him and think he's funny, as do most members of Congress and even many members of the press," says respected Political Scientist Larry Sabato. "Scatological jokes, pissing jokes, and urinal dick size comparisons have long been part of the fraternal give and take that characterizes insider deal making on Capitol Hill."
Sabato gave as an example how President Lyndon Johnson more or less made the finally push to pass his landmark 1964 Civil Rights Bill while taking a shit.
"If Obama would just saddle up between House Speaker Boehner and Majority Leader McConnell at some restroom urinal and invite them to have a distance and volume contest, I'm sure that would break through the gridlock that has more or less paralyzed Washington since Republicans took back the House in 2010," Sabato said.
Biden was available for comment.
"Your God Damn right I've got a big wang," he barked at reporters, warning them also to run for cover anytime they "catch even the slightest whiff of me taking a shit."
"I lay some stinky cable," the Vice President said. "You don't want to be there when I drop my load. Let's just say my yams are best left unplanted. Don't follow me to the crapper if you have peanut allergies. Some confuse my logs for a bunch of over ripe Plantains..."
The Vice President went on like that for hours.