Written by Stella Baker
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Thursday, 19 February 2015

image for Maximus to be awarded £500 million marriage contract
David Cameron

The Prime Minister David Cameron has announced that marriages and civil partnership ceremonies are to be privatized if the Tories are reelected, with US Healthcare corporation Maximus being awarded a £500 million annual contract to oversee all marriage and civil partnership ceremonies which take place in the United Kingdom.

Under the new plans anyone seeking to get married or take part in a civil partnership will have to obtain proof of sexual orientation and will have to attend annual assessments to determine their sexual orientation.

"This is to prevent people fraudulently claiming to be the wrong sexual orientation for tax avoidance purposes." claimed the Prime Minister in a recent phone call at Downing Street, "There are too many people getting married and claiming to be heterosexual, and yet the number of single mothers is rising. People will have to prove their sexual orientation in stringent assessments carried out by Maximus Healthcare." These assessments were said to be introduced to show that the Conservatives is not the party of tax avoiders.

Maximus plans to charge £10,000 per ceremony which will include marriage guidance, relationship counselling, free healthcare checks and also help with sexual problems.

However a row has broken out between two subcontractors who were to provide support to men suffering from erectile dysfunction - the United Kingdom Institution of Penises (UKIP) and Erections Unlimited (EU). EU are unhappy that UKIP are requiring men who are less endowed to display flags with red crosses on them as the Red Cross have got nothing to do with the support, and UKIP are unhappy that EU wants to be the sole supplier of Viagra. A UKIP spokesman said "We have tried to persuade the EU that British Viagra would be best and cheaper, but we have so far met with nothing but a stiff refusal."

Concern is also being expressed as to how the sexual orientations are going to be carried out and whether there is going to be an appeals process for those assigned the wrong sexual orientation. Some opponents fear that too many people are going to get screwed by the Government as a result of these changes.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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