Written by D P Whitehead
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Tuesday, 17 February 2015

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What seemed like a good idea at the time, a South Florida man is now dreading the family time he insisted upon, an event he hoped would unite his warring daughters, son and wife.

Duncan Whitehead - overweight, suffering from gout and bad teeth; came up with the idea so "we can all sort out our differences in a calm and level headed way and at the same time discuss our day."

Whitehead now admits he can't wait to get it over with and then cancel future family time, a thought echoed by his family.

"I know it will explode into a barrage of name calling, slamming doors, thrown crockery, swearing and maybe even violence," admits Whitehead.

"It is obvious that my family is not yet ready to discuss our feelings nor are we able to sit together in one room for more than 15 minutes. I see that now. I am dreading tonight."

Whitehead's eldest daughter, Becky - 18, called the whole thing "gross" and said she hated her mom and that if she wasn't allowed to go to her boyfriends on Saturday, no matter what the outcome of "dipshit family time' she would 'run away and become a prostitute.'

Amber - 11, told friends at school that she would rather 'boil in her head in her urine' than sit at the same table as her brother, Donny (20), calling him a 'loser who I have seen wearing mom's panties, I swear I did, he is weird'.

Even Whitehead's wife, Gemma, is having second thoughts.

"He means well, but I'll be honest, if I could I would leave him for his brother. He (Whitehead) has kind of let himself go, you know? Also he finds it hard to maintain an erection. I love him, you know? But, well you know."

Whitehead is now contemplating suicide or faking his own death to avoid tonight's 'family time.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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