Speaking to a crowd in Iowa, U. S. Vice-president-in-Charge-of-Vice Joe Bidet outed himself as a "recovering homosexual" today.
Before an audience of ten or fifteen supporters, Bidet gave a shout out to an old friend, calling, "Neal Smith, old butt buddy! Are you here?" Teary-eyed, he added, "I miss you, man, I miss you!"
He and his "butt buddy" had "many a good time together," Bidet gushed. "He's a man of firm resolve, with penetrating insight that is matched only by his capacity for openness."
"We were close back in the day, and we're even closer now," the Vice-president confessed. "He's a man's man, but I've always been plenty enough of a man for him."
When he heard that Prezident Obummer was less than thrilled by his public confession of same-sex love, Bidet blamed his outing on a lisp he's had since his youth.
"Many gay men lisp," he lisped, "and I did when I referred to Neal as my 'butt buddy,'" Bidet explained. "I meant to say 'bosom buddy.'"
However, the First Lady said that "butt buddy" is a "term of endearment," according to the Dictionary of Ebonics, and refers to men who are sexually attracted to one another.
"That can't be," Bidet said, when told of Mzs. Obummer's observation. "Michelle's my butt buddy, too, and she's a woman, as far as I can tell."