The state of Alaska has announced plans to leave the United States of America, form an independent Eskimo country, and join O.P.E.C. (the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries). This will be the first incident of secession since the American Civil War of 1861 to 1865.
When asked why they would be leaving the United States, a spokesman for the Governor's office gave the following reasons:
- We don't get no respect. People want to come on Alaskan cruises in the summer time, but they never want to come any other time of year. They have this misconception that we are dark and frozen nine months out of the year and you can't see anything outside. People go to Hawaii or Disneyland in the summer and in the winter, but not here! We have no major professional sports teams in Alaska. Why not? Hockey would be a natural here!
- People only want us for economic reasons. They want our oil and they want our natural gas or our gold. That sounds pretty greedy to us.
- A whole bunch of little countries broke off when the Soviet Union collapsed, and "Borat" is making one of them look pretty good and get rich on tourism right now. It's a lot cheaper to fly to Alaska than some little Eastern European country!
- If we leave the United States, they can't control our oil production or pricing any more. We'll be able to charge what we want for our oil and we'll be as rich as those Arabian sheiks!
- If we say that the whole thing is racially motivated and the the Eskimo people are being discriminated against, we can get the U.N. on our side and a whole bunch of foreign aid money from the United States to shut us up.
- Texas offered us a bunch of money to leave the United States so that they could be the biggest state again and retain their bragging rights.
- It will be easier for American children in school to make their flags with 49 stars, seven rows of seven, than trying to remember how many rows of what number to equal out to fifty.
The Governor said that the secession will not be official until after April 15th, when everyone has had a chance to file and receive their IRS income tax returns.