Written by B. Twain Folderol
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Thursday, 12 February 2015

(Washington D.C.) Republican lawmakers today passed the first of a series of bills authorizing the use of the Keystone Pipeline as a "humane and cost-effective method for transporting illegal [Mexican] aliens back to their homeland."

The legislation also appropriates 1.3 billion dollars to build feeder extensions of the pipeline throughout the country in order to avoid bottlenecks at what will be known as Launch Centers, where deportees will begin their lawful journey south.

Congressional leaders initially thought the bill would face stiff resistance among moderate Republicans, but after a PowerPoint presentation of a secret pilot project which had already successfully repatriated 75,000 aliens through the pipeline, the legislation cruised through both chambers; only one Democrat voted for the bill.

"We were exceedingly careful to ensure that this method would be, above all, thoroughly safe for those being transported. It's a victory of technology really," said the bill's co-sponsor, Representative Mo Brooks (R-Alabama). "There were those who scoffed at our vision, as if we were merely shoving human beings into a sealed pipe and letting them flow downhill in an oilstream. That's as barbaric as it is absurd. We had some of the best scientific minds in the nation working on this system. In the pilot, we had not one single injury…a few complaints, but not one fatality. Not one! Out of 75,000 deportees."

Slim titanium capsules - low cost versions of a deep-sea submersible manufactured by Baker Hughes - deliver aliens one at a time from Launch Centers to Espiga de Bienvenida (The Welcoming Spigot) in the city of Heroica Matamoros in the Mexican state of Tamaulipas. The tiny capsules, first developed by scientists at Bryan College and funded largely by the Discovery Institute, are equipped with ample water and oxygen, pencils, sketch pads and Chinese stress balls; it has been reported that they offer an almost womblike ride within the flow of oil. The capsules reach speeds upwards of 120 mph; trips down the pipeline range from 3 minutes to several hours, depending on where the alien is inserted into Keystone.

"There's not one of us on our side of the Technology Subcommittee that didn't first take a test ride in the capsules," said Rep. Don Young (R-Alaska). "And so we speak with authority on the comfort and safety of the vehicle; we wouldn't think of exposing others to what we ourselves would seek to avoid." Young later clarified his statements, admitting that his caucus didn't actually get inserted into the pipeline, but traveled in an open-air capsule simulator down the length of the corridor in the east wing of the Capitol. "Even so," said the congressman, "it was fun, kinda like a bobsled run."

The bill's other co-sponsor, Senator Jesse Helms, Jr. (R-NC), said, "I have every faith in the system, the vehicle…the process. I imagine the trip to be something like the journey of cells through the bloodstream…Something soothing and life affirming. Like, you know, carbamide or something, just gliding along in the noble blood."

Representative Brooks added that the deportation system would save "about thirty cents per taxpayer per annum" over traditional methods of busing illegals. "People die in vans and buses. Every year too many to count. But do you know how many people died last year in pipelines? Zero. Yeah, that's right. Zero: that's how many!"

Although the Keystone Pipeline originates in Alberta at the Hardisty Terminal, Canada announced it would not be participating in the initiative.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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