CHAPEL HILL, N.C. -- The "Super Beavers" felling trees and slapping tail in suburb Raleigh are probably sex-starved women, according University of North Carolina researchers.
Police told reporters they suspected one or more "Super Beavers" are responsible for the devastation in 30 or 40 multi-acre plots and subdivision green zones west of the capital city.
"In a sense, the police are right, but the 'Super Beavers' are almost certainly two-legged," said Dr. Lee Anne Wu-tai Poon of the University medical school.
She said DNA and other tests proved fluid residue thichkly covering stumps of the splintered trees was vaginal discharge from at least eight women.
"The habitat in which women can satisfy sexual appetites in the natural way is rapidly diminishing in the United States, especially among white middle class southerners," Poon said. "The growing power of conservative Protestant evangelical churches is one factor in the trend."
On Poon's advice, the Greater Raleigh Improvement Association has signed a contract with former Hollywood Madame Heidi Fleiss to bring ex-boxers and other members of her Neveda stable of male prostitutes to Raleigh.
Women will be able to use this service anonymously at no charge with special permission from local churches.