TALLAHASSEE,FL - Florida's Governor elect, Charlie Crist announced today that he plans to make the State of Florida the "worlds largest gated senior community". Crist's plan includes requiring residents of the state to be at least 70 years of age, and that visitors under the age of 70 must register at the state border and be limited to a 3 day "visitors" pass.
Crist, the state's attorney general, before his election as Governor, agreed to give me an exclusive interview to outline the highlights of his plan, as follows:
DM - Govenor Elect Crist, we appreciate this exclusive interview. Can you give us a quick overview of this rather unusual plan?
CC - Sure Dave. The great citizens of Florida elected me this past November to protect their interests and it is my duty to do just that. Given the fact that the average age in the State of Florida is 70 years 2 months and 12 days, myself and my staff realized the only fair thing for the average voter would be to limit access to state funds, thus access to the state itself, to that sector. In otherwords if your under 70, we really don't want you here. Think about it, no more drug problems, with the exception of viagra abuse (heh-heh). Funding for schools? GONE! Now that money can be used for truly productive projects, expanding the bingo halls, buying new shuffleboard equipment. Did you know Dave, that less than a year ago the City of Daytona Beach,Fl refused to rebuild the city owned shuffleboard courts citing a need for more money for the education system! Where will it stop?
DM -Wow, that's amazing. Shuffleboard courts for education...Gov. Crist, what are your plans for current residents of Florida under the age of 70?
CC - Well Dave, We can't just leave those folks out in the cold. Fortunatly for them it doesn't get very cold here (ha-ha). Initially we will set up refugee camps in the Florida Everglades. What the gators don't get we will move to college dormitories, now empty mind you, till they can find other accomodations out of state; I think 14 days ought to do it. Anybody left after that, we're working with the feds to put them in the military and send them to Iraq.
DM -Speaking of Iraq, what does the Whitehouse think of this plan?
CC - Oh, GW thinks it's a great idea. Hell, he couldn't figure out why his brother didn't think of it first!