BIG MEMBER, MONTANA - A rodeo clown was injured today outside of Big Member after he tried to stick a suppository into the bum of a run-away bull. The bull named "Moral Majority" could not be controlled after bucking off his rider, former Texas Agriculture Secretary, Jim Hightower. Hightower was said to be in fair condition and recovering in a Montana library.
The bull apparently bucked Hightower off and went crazy sending cowboys and clowns over fences and running for their lives. Rodeo officials at the American Legion Rodeo sent a clown in to administer the missile to the raging animal's behind.
Eye witnesses say that cowgirls in tight Levis and misinterpreted passages of the Bible were used to distract the raging animal while the clown got into place to give the large animal the red-eye. Officials said that the animal's hide was too tough for tranquillizers.
The rider, Jim Hightower, author of the infamous, There's Nothing In The Middle of the Road Except Yellow Stripes and Dead Armadillos and Let's Stop Beating Around The Bush was less conciliatory and said that rodeo officials should have shot the blazing animal and "put it out of it's damned misery!"
The bull, originally from The Raging Crusader Ranch in Billings, is responsible for ruining more potential rodeo cowboy families than any other bull on the circuit. More cowboy's have lost their marbles to "Moral Majority" than any other beast in the history of the circuit.
One reason that the bull is so hard to ride is its uncanny ability to misdirection. It tricks riders into thinking it is going to go one way and turns around and goes in the opposite direction. This is a move that cowboys call "The hypocrite."
"It does this very fast and makes it almost impossible to hang on," said Cowboy Savior Jesus Ramirez who has ridden the beast. "I don't know what motivates this animal to be so mean," he said. "Maybe somebody cut his nuts off."
Rodeo analysts point to a deficiency in the American public's ability to think critically, and independently about all of the bull, this, and the fact that everyone loves a good drama.
The bull has also been criticized for having close ties to secessionist movements in the West. Apparently, like every facet of American life, bull selection for rodeos is a highly political process and bull owners go to these movements to help them achieve the image of independence once again.
"For most bulls, it's very much about who you know and who your sponsor is," said one cowboy. "Generally, bulls with the highest profile sponsors are the ones selected for rodeo action."
Cowboys have criticized the rodeo system for being too political and compromising the independent image of the American cowboy. "This isn't Washington, you idiots! This is Montana!"
Songs, such as the following, have been written by cowboys parodying this trend in American cowboy life:
Go Into The East
I traded my spurs for acupuncture needles
switched my saddle for an office chair
moved my home from Rosewell to North Carolina
didn't know they had so many trees there.
Met a girl in western Kentucky
We got married soon after school
Life was dry but now I'm feeling lucky
A stubborn man wouldn't be a lesser fool
(chorus) and my life has taken a new direction
found a wife who has taken the road with me
the setting sun has always brought me pleasure
but now I go into the East
my old man is a cowboy in the desert
ropin' cows and drivin' them into town
the country club is full of Ford pick-ups
'cause anything else would just be too damn proud
he learned to gold to make some new connections
you got to know who's standing in the green
all my life I was looking in his direction
for a sign that both of us could see
Copyright 2006 David King