WASHINGTON, Oct. 12, 2007 -- President Bush said today that he was accepting the Nobel Peace Prize with "humility and gratitude" and hoped to draw the Iraqi people "into our sewing circle."
The Norwegian Nobel Committee in Oslo announced his selection yesterday, noting September was the sixth consecutive month in which no Iraqi died from sectarian violence.
In a press conference interrupted eight times by applause, Bush revealed new details about how the administration implemented its surprise peace offensive.
"We started to turn the corner one Saturday last March when I was looking at myself in the mirror after a shower. My nipples were distended and erect. I noticed for the first time that I had acquired cleavage," Bush said.
Bethesda Naval Hospital ran tests and found high levels of oestrogen in Bush's system. That accounted not only for the breasts, but also for his fallopian tubes, monthly ovulation, and menstruation, which he had mistaken for haemorrhoid discharge.
The Secret Service arrested White House intern Lu-Lu Skipoutski, 21, who had brought Bush pizza and soft drinks during late night strategy sessions. She confessed she had laced them with oestrogen after hearing from feminist friends that Bush's decision to invade Iraq resulted from "too much testosterone."
Bush told reporters he had not been disturbed by these developments because the oestrogen had made him less belligerent, more inclined to be conciliatory, supportive of troubled sisters. He pardoned Lu-Lu.
"I continued taking oestrogen and soon was reminding myself of my Dad. It felt kind of good to be effete. The Texas cowboy thing was old. Now when the steward says, 'More coffee, sir?,' I say, 'Just a splash.'"
The President announced that he had completed his sex change last Friday with an operation that removed his male sex organs. This makes him the country's first woman president since Nancy Reagan.
"Once I was on oestrogen, I realized how genuinely upset I was that Vice President Cheney had shot a hunting partner in the face," Bush told the press conference. "But I also realized I would have forgiven Vice had I been the target. I wondered what it would be like if the Iraqis were this empathetic and forgiving and so ordered Defense to find a way to weaponize this oestrogen. And, as they say, the rest is herstory."
Indeed it is. On March 2, American forces began saturating Iraq with the hormone -- through the water supply, in such food staples as flour and rice, from the air in aerosol form, even in shoes left outside Mosques.
Male aggression ebbed, and with it Iraq's civil war. Attacks on American troops ceased. Sunni and Shiite factions reached swift agreement on a power sharing deal and the government began to function. The U.S. military pulled back to Kuwait, leaving 200 specialists to keep the country high on oestrogen.
Bush closed yesterday's press conference with a statement urging the countries of the world to destroy their stockpiles of testosterone. He said he would spend the $1.4 million Nobel Prize money on Manolo Blahnik shoes and Gucci handbags and distribute them to needy people in the developing world.