Written by E. Williams
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Tuesday, 25 November 2014

image for Sorry Ladies, Charles Manson Is About to be Taken Off the Market
You snooze, you lose.

CORCORAN, CA - In case you haven't heard, Charles Manson is about to get married. That's right, single ladies, if you liked him then you should've put a ring on it. Now, all the Monday morning quarterbacking starts on 'what could have been' for millions of single gals around the world.

Yes, Manson, currently rotting in prison for heading up a murderous cult back in the 1960's and one of the country's most batshit crazy bastards, has used his charm and charisma to reel in a 26 year-old psycho hose beast to be his. Maybe it was the swastika engraved on his forehead that did it? What woman in her wrong mind could resist that?

Melissa Manchester, of Oakland, was shocked at the news. "I guess I just thought he would always be there for me whenever I was ready. Now what the hell am I supposed to do, find a regular guy? Being married to Charles was going to be such a great conversation starter for me, but now I might as well just kill myself. I guess I could let Charlie do it himself."

Manson's girlfriend, now fiance, goes by the name "Star" to Manson and, apparently, being a voracious pen-pal can really pay off. The happy couple plan to spend their honeymoon in "The Yard" on the prison grounds, which will be splotched with red for their ceremony from the blood of other inmates who have killed each other in fights inside the prison walls.

Star says she is looking forward to starting their new life apart and only having to do the "hard work of marriage" every other week or so during visiting hours at the prison.

She stands to benefit from inheriting the cigarettes Manson uses to trade for other items in prison after the 80 year-old kicks the bucket one of these days. Some jealous lady admirers of Manson have lamented since news of the marriage broke that Star was only marrying him for his cigarettes anyway.

"I feel like I've won the lottery," Star said. "I'll never have to worry about where he is, we'll never fight, and we won't be around each other all the time, getting on each others nerves." She makes some valid points.

And to all the other girls out there feeling left out, keep writing, there are plenty of psychopaths in prisons out there just waiting to make all your dreams come true!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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