Written by Jackson Hoff
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Topics: Fighting, alphabet

Thursday, 13 November 2014

image for Alphabetical Disorder: Lower Case Letters Overpower Caps
Just 3 of the 26 Capital Letters to have Fallen in Surprise Attack.

In a gutsy move years in the making, every lower-case letter moved against it's upper-case counterpart in a timed action that resulted in a complete upheaval of the entire alphabet. The entire event took only 3 minutes from beginning to end. The overwhelming victory is the first since the alphabet itself was created 150 years ago, leaving hundreds of millions of educators around the english-speaking globe speechless. Grievances brought forth by such lower case letters as a, t and s have been ignored by the Association for Alphabetical Fairness on several occasions, they say. A list of demands are available on-line at listofdemandsbylowercaseletters.com

Surprisingly, few physical injuries were reported during the clash. Several Caps (as they are known), however, are dealing with down-sizing syndrome: letters O, S, W, X & Z are struggling to come to terms with exactly what happened and how the result pertains to them. Alphabetologists are currently sorting out the short and long-range implications, and have decided that until certain conclusions can be made, the current alphabet will remain as is. Grief counselers have been made available around the clock to offer some closure.

More than a few educators are concerned as to what this may mean going forward. Jerrold "Gerry" Gerald, renowned alphabetologist at the University of Florida said earlier today that "this may very well trigger similar events among punctuation marks, numbers and musical notes as well. This is just my sense of it. I have no formal training or background in any of those fields, but I think for instance, the comma may very well attempt to overtake the period in an effort to become the most commonly used mark in the entire 'punctulation'." There are some who fear that this may have some unintended consequences similar to the slow but steady fading of cursive handwriting as a result of world-wide digitalization.

Letters involved include: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (Capital letters, or "Caps") and abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz, collectively known as lower-case letters. Although there are a few currently under review, there are no plans to add any new letters to the current alphabet at this time.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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