Written by Colorado Joe
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Friday, 24 October 2014

Miami-The mayors of Miami, Miami Beach, South Miami, Fort Lauderdale and other communities in southern Florida are about to petition the United States and the United Nations to allow them to separate-not just from the rest of Florida, but from the entire United States.

Recent concerns about the possibility of extremely high tides, brought on by powerful hurricanes of Category force 3 and up, along with climactic change bringing more water through the Gulf Stream, have prompted them to consider forming their own nation, or perhaps a union with the Bahamas, Puerto Rico and Jamaica. Were such storms to strike the populated southeastern part of Florida head-on, it might put the fabled Florida's Gold Coast in the same predicament with Atlantis or Davy Jones' locker.

By appealing to the United States Congress or even the United Nations varied organizations to assist with their plight-perhaps to have southern Florida declared as a World Heritage Site by UNESCO, ("Hey, Jackie Gleason did his TV show from here, and I believe there were at least two of those 'Where the Boys Are' movies filmed around here-I think that qualifies us for recognition," noted C. Us, the director of tourism for the city of Miami Beach.) South Florida's leaders have complained for years about their inability to be heard by the state government in Tallahassee, located much closer to Mobile than to Miami, about this possibility. Their calls and complaints have gone unheeded, they note. But the governor and comptroller in Tallahassee will be sorry once the big storm hits the Miami area. "They'll be short several hundred million bucks in property, sales, hotel/motel and income tax revenues when that happens," noted Ty. Twad, one of the advocates for secession. "What will they do then?"

The mayors have contacted their U. S. senators, their U. S. representatives, the U. S. Supreme Court, the ambassadors to the Bahamas and Jamaica, and even the producers of the Judge Judy court show. "Perhaps Judge Judy can get this matter resolved peacefully," Twad said. "If not, then we're going to do something far more drastic. Think of the American Revolution."

Twad promised no acts of violence, although if the people in northern Florida have anything to ship, they might be the target of mischief-much on the lines of the Boston Tea Party. "Foodstuffs for cruise line voyages, lemons, grapefruit, even those funny-looking ears from around Orlando. Especially those funny-looking mouse like ears from Orlando," Twad explained.

The concern about storm damage from hurricanes and rising tides from global climactic change was a more pressing concern, and a prime reason for secession. Although no major hurricanes have hit the center of Miami in recent years, the civic leaders are urging area residents to take immediate precautions. "If you have back issues of Playboy, Penthouse, Reader's Digest, American Heritage or copies of multi-volume encyclopedias or the Oxford English Dictionary-get rid of them NOW," urged Levy Van Dyke, the Dade County director of emergency management, to Dade County residents. "The same goes for old refrigerators, barbells, old stoves, microwave ovens, Cuisinart(R) food processors--anything you no longer need. Otherwise, it'll be smooth sailing for the RMS Queen Elizabeth down Interstate-95."

Also being considered is hauling trash from other parts of the United States and the world to bury under southern Florida in order to raise the level of the communities above the projected storm tide and high tides. Anything will be accepted-papers, plastics, Campbell's Soup Cans, Furby dolls, trolls, leisure suits-anything that doesn't get sold at flea markets, garage sales or pawn shops. "Whatever you don't want, we'll take it pronto," noted Van Dyke. "Your trash and unwanted junk will save a sinking metropolis, and perhaps save a state or even a country. It's up to you to do your duty for your country and most importantly, for Florida. Then you can see us on the beach and not by Davy Jones' locker."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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