MASSACHUSETTS - In a scene out of 17th century America, Thanksgiving Day re-enacters from the Mayflower Society dressed in full costume gathered at a church on the site of the Pilgrims' original meeting house and re-enacted events of 300 years ago.
Reporters say that participants began the re-enactment in the church with prayers and a fiery sermon. Then, proceeded outdoors to the church yard where several "witches" were tied up and lit them on fire. After the "witch" burning, participants were said to have marched to Plymouth Rock, the site of their ancestor's first landing in America to pray and remember the rock.
Insurance salesmen dressed in gray suits were said to have been handing out pamplets advertising their company to the re-enacters and the crowd of tourists gathered to watch the re-enacters.
Meanwhile, descendants of the Wampanoag Indians gathered on Coles Hill overlooking Plymouth Rock to remember their slain ancestors, a reminder of the pain and destruction that Pilgrims brought with their prayers and Insurance Companies when they arrived 350 years ago.
"This is a day of remembrance and spiritual connection as well as a protest of the racism, oppression and "democide" that Indians received from the white man," said Wamsutta James an Aquinnah Wampanoag protester.
Adding insult to injury, history recounts that the white man was reported to have taken the Indian's land away from him, privatized it and then tried to convert the Indians, or "savages," as he called them, to his religion.
"We're tired of being low man on the totem pole," said one Indian protester. "White man is control freak! Must remember Indian have feelings too."
Reporters say that the Indians, to remind them of the silence and abuse they have undergone in order to make it in the material, white world, have erected a statue of their great leader, Sachem Massosoit bent over in "doggie style" position. "For Indian to make it these days, must be silent, bend over and take it between the cheeks," he said.
Protesters representing the silent majority gathered to protest both groups on a nearby bank. "This isn't our style, but we feel strongly that we want Americans to just shut up and enjoy technology." But this statement smacked a terrible irony for the Indians since it was the white man's "technology" that decimated him in the first place.
Fortunately, besides the "witch" burning, nobody was hurt during the protest and celebration.
In other news today, the federal government decided to give Native Americans most of the west. All the land west of the Mississippi was given to descendants of the Cheyenne and Apache nations.
"We wanted to thank the Indians for all the tourist attractions throughout the years, all the gambling casinos and we're tired of hearing them moaning and bitching about having their share," one spokesperson for the federal government said. "Besides, in 10 years all that's going to be left of the west is dust. We're not giving them a hell of a lot."
The government spokesperson was referring to the lack of water available in the west and the shortages many cities have been experiencing recently.
Indian spokespersons said that plans were in motion to blow up Mt. Rushmore and carve the faces of this nation's true founding fathers, Chief Sitting Bull, Crazy Horse, Chief Seattle and Chief Black Elk.
No word was given as the when the monument would be completed.