Written by King David
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Wednesday, 22 November 2006

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Good ol' 8-bit days

SANTA BARBARA- In surprising news today, a young man admitted to being raised by a TV, computer and a microwave oven. Matthew Waynewright, 26, told reporters that most of his childhood was spent watching TV, playing computer games and cooking with the microwave oven. Waynewright said that the most significant members of his family were not his parents, but his Magnavox Television set, Sony computer system and a GE microwave oven.

"There was nothing like having everyone there," he said. "Fast Eddy" (the microwave) would be in the kitchen cooking him up some popcorn. "Maggie" (the Magnavox TV set) would be in the living room exercising all of her network demons and feeding him sound bites. What a set! And "Chip" (the HP computer) would be upstairs resting. This was the most comforting feeling that he could imagine.

"Life was one big adventure then," Mr. Waynewright said. "I couldn't wait to get home. Now, as an adult, it's gotten so mundane. I wish that I could go back to the good old days when we four we're still together," he said.

Leaving his parent's TV, computer and microwave oven was difficult if not heart wrenching. "I'll never forget that day," he said. "I walked into the room and the realization hit me. Things were never going to be the same."

On a typical day, Mr. Waynewright would come home from school and go right to "Fast Eddy" and get him to pop him some popcorn. Then, he would go into the living room, say hello to "Maggie" and go back into the kitchen and pick up his popcorn.

Then, he would sit in front of "Maggie" for several hours while she entertained him. After he became tired, he would go upstairs and spend the rest of the evening with "Chip." Most evenings, they would play games well into the night and sometimes into the wee hours of the morning.

On the weekends, "Fast Eddy" would make dinner and he would take his tray upstairs to his bedroom where he and "Chip" would spend hours playing games. "Chip" took Mr. Waynewright on adventures known only to Kings, Knights and Magic Warlords. They would travel throughout history, the Middle Ages, prehistory, the Renaissance and forward into the far future. Often, Mr. Waynewright felt as if they were time travelers and could fly.

In the summer, Mr. Waynewright would take virtual vacations with "Chip" and "Maggie" and enjoy going to wild places on the Discovery Channel and Planet Earth. "Maggie" always accompanied him to the movies as "Fast Eddy" would always make the popcorn. Sometimes, when his parents were gone, Mr. Waynewright would move all three of them into the living room so that they could all be together.

When asked about the kind of personalities each one of them had, Mr. Waynewright said, "Maggie was bright always very clear-headed although she suffered intermittently from a severe case of ADD, especially during commercials." As one could imagine, she never looked forward to broadcasting the super bowl. She always became depressed in January after all the bowl games were over.

"'Chip' was patient and very logical and could make computations very fast. He was a big help for Mr. Waynewright when he did his Calculus homework and could figure out problems very fast. He had no tolerance, however, for ambiguity and was a very slow riser. "Chip" was not a morning person.

And "Fast Eddy," well his name says it all. He really was fast and the best cook east of the Mississippi. He could do anything in the kitchen and saved Mr. Waynewright's parents a lot of money on their power bills. "Fast Eddy" was very energy conscious.

When asked about the disciplinary measures that they took to keep Mr. Waynewright in line, Mr. Waynewright was quoted as saying the following:

"Their discipline was always administered expediently. I never had to wait to receive my punishment. They were always very fast and very efficient in that way. Punishment always had something to do with not spending time with me. One of them would go out and stay down for a while, or another might not cooperate very well. One time "Fast Eddy" burned the popcorn because he was angry with me, but that didn't happen too often. For the most part, we lived like a happy family in my parent's home. I really missed them when I went away to college."

But, life does go on and Mr. Waynewright was able to pick up some new friends in college. Their names were "Sonny," "Tosh" and the swinging, dancing General, "General Electric." Despite being from another generation, they shared a lot of the same features that "Maggie," "Chip" and "Fast Eddy" had.

Copyright, 2006, David King

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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