Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Monday, 1 September 2014

image for A New Mobile App for the Wives of Husbands with Wandering Eyes
"Oh, I can see by your expression / That I'm about to learn my lesson / And it's well deserved."

"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." KJV Matthew 5:28

Jesus knew it. Wives know it too. A man whose eyes are constantly wandering will often wander, soon enough, with an organ well below the eyes.

That's why the Family Research Council has come out with a new mobile app that signals to a wife when her man's eyes begin to wander to someone of the opposite sex.

The new app, called simply Wandering Eyes, is expected to be widely available early next year, according to the president of the Family Research Council, Tony Perkins. Explains Perkins, "The mobile app keeps track of a number of measures indicative of a man's, let's just say, impulses. It measures the direction of a man's eyes and his visual acuity, which is a man's ability to focus on detail. The app also measures activity in the amygdala of a man's brain, which is the center of impulse in the mind. Finally, the new mobile app will measure the amount of blood flowing south to a man's procreative organ, though often by that point, it may be too late."

Perkins said that the new mobile app is still in the beta stage. It is being tested nationwide on televangelists from all faiths. The results, so far, are promising, though in at least two cases, the wives of the televangelists taking part in the beta testing have shot their husbands. However, no fatalities have resulted from the product at this point.

Said the wife of bisexual televangelist Ted Haggard, who allegedly carried on a homosexual affair for three years with a masseur and meth addict named Mike Jones, "Ted's eyes, according to my app, are still wandering, but I'm fairly sure he's not sleeping with another woman. And if I do catch him looking at another woman, I'll take Jesus' advice and pluck out both his eyes with my bare hands!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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