ROSE GARDEN, AC/DC -- First Lady Michelle Obummer has yet a new idea to try out on American schoolkids. She has become a strong advocate of farming octopi.
"They grows quick," she says, "and they taste good-or so I've heard-I wouldn't eat nothing with eight arms and suckers on them myself-and they be everywhere, so there be plenty of them. Best of all, scientists say octopussies be the answer to the food shortage caused by the illegal immigrant kids flooding our schools."
The First Lady envisions octopus on every American schoolchild's lunch tray "at least twice a week."
Octopi do not make an especially attractive-looking entree, Mrs. Obummer admits, "but, then, neither was I when Barack first laid eyes on me, but he popped the question, anyway, when, in running for president, he was told he need a beard." (A "beard" is a woman who poses as a gay man's date or spouse to provide cover for his homosexuality.)
"Since we tie the knot, Barack come to see me as not bad looking, after all, for a woman. If he can stand me in his bed, a schoolchile can stand an octopussy on his or her plate."
According to the White House chef, "octopus may be served with a variety of vegetables, but looks best, perhaps, with carrots and green peppers."
Although the First Lady wants the mollusk on the plates of schoolchildren-or at least illegal ones-across the fruited plain, the chef admits, "I wouldn't feed one to Bo," the Obummer's pet dog. I mean, it's just plain nasty!"