This week, The Wall Street Journal [WSJ] reported that to earn a bigger paycheck, "you will need to do more than just a top rate job." According to the WSJ, "an effective strategy for obtaining a raise also requires a top rate performance from your spouse. Spouses need to make a good impression at the company party." The WSJ reveals that "a wife can accelerate her husband's rise to the corner office if she remembers a few key pieces of advice."
The WSJ reminds us that "no one likes a whiny designated driver who refuses to raise a glass of cheer to whatever 'hooey' the boss is saying, so arrive at the party in the party spirit and suck that booze up! Show them that you can pound a few back with the best of them. Everyone knows that behind every CEO is a woman who can hold her liquor. And don't make the mistake of drinking the 'girlie' drinks with the little umbrellas in them. Drink like a man! Tequila shots. And lots of them." You go, girl and get that boy a raise!
According to the WSJ, spouses need to bring something lively and fun to the company party, such as parlor tricks. "Ladies, if you stand next to your man and smile upon occasion, the boss is going to notice neither you, nor your man. Step it up, Ladies. Get down on the ground and show them how you spin like a top on your back after a few martinis. The fellas will love it. Especially if you are wearing a dress or skirt!" You and your husband will be the first people who come to mind when the partners convene for the next annual Compensation Committee meeting.
Bosses also love to have their egos stroked and they especially love to have their egos stroked by women who can drink like fish and spin on their backs at parties. Who wouldn't? The WSJ advises wives "to not forget to bat those fake eyelashes, smile demurely and at the opportune moment, slide a perfectly manicured hand down the thigh of the boss, pause just for a moment near his junk while looking exceedingly in need of attention and another drink. Men just love that! And no spanking of the fanny! That will come off as cheap and desperate and so 1990's."
The WSJ also points out that everyone likes to hear a good story. "Bosses love to hear funny stories about wild behavior almost as much as they love to hear themselves tell stories about their greatest achievements, however old, untrue and small as they were." So Ladies, here is another opportunity for you to help your man, as revealed in the WSJ article. Dig deep and relate that hazing story that made the husband so infamous back in his frat days. The frozen hotdogs! The beer enema! You will have them all rolling on the floor with tears streaming down their faces. Even the husband too, but possibly for different reasons.
But enough talk about the past. The WSJ recommends that relating some current highlights of your life with your husband will provide his coworkers with a glimpse of who your husband really is when he is not the stiff cardboard cut-out character who works with them. This can reveal admirable qualities and traits that were previously unknown to the coworkers as well as the boss, such as how the coding genius husband has developed software to share his massive porn collection with everyone in the world for free. Or how the husband devotes most of his weekends to his 501(c)(3) charity that provides free access to porn to people in the third world. After all, everyone admires people who contribute to charity. And people in the third world need porn as well as food, basic health services, jobs and clean water.
The WSJ article didn't elaborate on how husbands can help their wives get raises, but the wives aren't holding their breath.