Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Topics: Jesus

Tuesday, 26 August 2014

image for The Holy Trinity to Go Their Separate Ways

HEAVEN--After existing for nearly two millennia as consubstantial roommates, the Holy Trinity--God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit--are splitting up.

Theologians thought they had settled the debate of the Holy Trinity more than a millennium ago, by killing off or suppressing anyone who denied that the three who made up the Holy Trinity were both consubstantial (existing all at once in the same "place") and co-eternal, with (paradoxically) God the Father being the "begetter" of his son, Jesus. Now the issue is blowing up all over again, but this time the source of disagreement is from the Holy Threesome themselves.

The bickering, which has been seething now for the last two centuries, blew up this year when Jesus said he was tired of playing second fiddle to God the Father. Griped God the Son: "Everyone says I'm 'begotten' of God the Father! Let's face it: Without me, no one would even give God the Father a second look! Do you hear anyone saying, 'I accept God the Father as my salvation and personal savior?' Or: 'Yahweh is the reason for the season!' Hell no! I'm the one who really runs this show." Jesus has told close friends that He wants to strike out on this own, and try to find Himself.

And the Holly Spirit is not happy with the current arraignment either. "What the hell is the 'Holy Spirit' anyway? I got to impregnate Mary, but without even pleasuring her. I got to hover above the heads of the apostles when they prayed. Whoopee! You may as well just put me in a spray can and sell me in the cleaning solvents aisle at Kroger's. Like Jesus, I want to strike out on my own." Friends of "Ghost," as they call him, say he is in the process of getting himself an agent, to maybe see if he can host his own talk show or pick up a role on American Horror Story.

But God the Father will have none of this. In fact, He has threatened to ground Jesus if He obstinately continues to press for breaking up the Holy Trinity. And of the Holy Spirit, He threatened: "I'm God the Father. I'm omnipotent, God dammit! I can put that little incubus in a spray can, if that's what He wants. The Holy Trinity will only split up over my dead body!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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