WHITEWASHINGTON, AC/DC -- In a White House rose garden interview, as he sipped mint juleps and was fanned by "aides," President Barack Obummer lamented the fact that he is "bummed" about the "Ferguson" incident, the shooting of African-American thief Michael Brown by the Caucasian-American police officer, Darren Wilson, whose eye socket the misspent youth broke while beating Wilson's face in.
I'm half African-American and half Caucasian-American, Obummer explained to Anderson Cooper, who is half-gay and half-journalist. "The African-American in me sides with Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and other race baiters, but the Caucasian-American in me holds that we should at least have a pretense of a trial before we lynch that cracker cop."
The incident of which the president spoke is so big that it fills over a third of the space that Wikipedia devotes to the entire town in its article, "Ferguson, Missouri," which notes, for the curious reader and the scholar alike, that the town takes its name from a man by the name of Ferguson, who lived there in the late nineteenth century and may have fathered the town, as he did several other of Missouri's great cities. The Wiki article also lists the "notable people" among the townsfolk as "Michael Brown." Curiously, there is no mention of Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, or U. S. Attorney General Eric Holder as "Notable people."
Outsiders celebrated the incident by looting and destroying stores.
Obummer warned, "If there ain't no justice, there ain't no peace."
"Isn't that an intemperate statement, Mr. President?" Cooper challenged.
"Being white and gay is intemperate," Obummer replied.
The president said he is looking forward to the conclusion of the local trial so he can "unleash the attorney general" on the Ferguson "incident."
"Then, maybe I can reconcile my African-American self with my Caucasian-American self and be whole again," he whined.