Written by Cereal and Milk
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Thursday, 4 September 2014

image for Giant Luffa Still Terrorizing Nation's Dreams
"Must. Stay. Awake."

"Just do it, Johnny," cringed out the stuffed and mangled school teacher to her student after being absorbed and becoming one with the giant luffa raining havoc across the American landscape. "Bullet to the brain. Quick and easy. Give it to me no-," screamed the fifth grade instructor before awaking alongside millions of other Americans in a cold sweat. "Goddamnit, not again," yelled hundreds of exhausted workers in unison.

After countless weeks of awaking from the terror of being exfoliated to the point of becoming a creamy sock puppet of their former selves, Americans still have not managed to make amends with the six hundred foot luffa that rules their dreams. Though some believe that they are close to reasoning with the monster and finding some sort of common ground.

Many are feeling even more hopeless after the failed military intervention two weeks prior, where military personal blasted away with heavy machine gun fire and rockets against the plushy creature, before being slowly rolled to their deaths by the terrifying giant. "It's eating me alive, alive! It hurts so bad, but it's so soft. The pain! Kill me! I hate myself!"

A good chunk of Americans vaguely recall a large amount of very small children being sucked into the monstrosity after hundreds of parents whispered, "I've never loved you," into their tiny ears, before pushing them into the behemoth hoping that they would slow down the beast for their escape.

Latest efforts have masses leaping from skyscrapers into the savage colossus, hoping that their sacrifice will appease it. "I'm so sorry," cried Bill, before he flew headfirst straight through the luffa and into the pavement.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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