Written by Brandy Pasquino
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Friday, 15 August 2014

image for Man who gets drunk daily denies that he's an alcoholic
Who needs beer when you can eat to get drunk?

New York, N.Y. - Drew Dow of Roosevelt Island is an ordinary man with an extraordinary ability: his stomach uses excess yeast in his digestive tract to ferment carbs and sugar-dense foods into alcohol. This rare health condition is called auto-brewery or gut fermentation syndrome. He has had many run-ins with the law, has not had a stable relationship for many years, and has had trouble holding down a job because he is constantly under the influence of alcohol.

In a recent interview with Mr Drew, we asked him to walk us through his daily routine. "Every morning I have a cup of Joe and either a bagel with a variety of sweet marmalades or a bowl of frosted flakes for breakfast, look for work, have two white bread sandwiches and a coke for lunch, have a small work out at the gym, and have a pasta or rice dish at night", said Mr Drew. And to the question of how he takes his coffee, he said "light and sweet, there's no other way to have it."

Mr. Drew's behavior has puzzed his close friends and family because it is well known that many of the foods that he consumes on a daily basis are causing him to be drunk every day of the week. "I'm well aware of the fact that breads, pasta, and rice break down into sugar, but I'm dependent on these foods and there's no way that I'm giving them up," Mr Drew explained.

Despite the fact that he eats foods that cause him to drive with a BAC level that is 3 times the legal limit and that make him completely unproductive at work, he denies having an alcohol problem. "I don't drink alcohol, so I'm not an alcoholic," Mr Drew emphatically noted. He abruptly ended the interview and stormed off when we asked whether he had ever considered attending an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

At press time, we learned that, to the amazement of everyone who cares about him, Mr Drew has decided to enter into a candy eating contest. Close friends said that he is unphased by the possibility that his health condition may cause him to die from alcohol poisoning due to the overconsumption of sugary foods.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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