Charlotte, NC - As President Obama, becoming known as 'The Toxic President' privately among his peers on the Left, travels to various districts around the country to raise funds for the Democratic party, many politicians are running the other way so fast they might have a future in the Olympics if their political ambitions fail.
One unnamed congressional hopeful heard that Mr. Obama was on his way to an event the politician was attending and the Democrat raced out of the building so fast that most didn't know he was gone.
Because of traffic and obstacles outside the building, the unnamed Democrat performed a triple jump technique that broke the current world record jump by ten inches! Unfortunately, the politician won't get credit for a new record since the jump did not take place at a sanctioned sporting event.
Only real fear could drive a man to such heroic feats of athleticism. Other reports have come in from around the country of similar acts of desperation.
In North Carolina, Senator Kay Hagan, who is in a tough reelection campaign herself, narrowly escaped being seen with the President last week at a fancy fundraiser by running at and using a flag pole to pole vault to the second story balcony before making her escape. The President arrived mere moments later.
According to witness testimony and official measurements taken later from where she landed, Hagan apparently beat the women's Olympic pole vault mark by a full three inches. And she did it in a skirt!
Another congressional candidate facing a tough primary challenger in New York City, sprinted out of an event just as the President showed up and witnesses said he outran many others who were running away from robbers and murderers that were chasing them.
Already, sports companies are trying to figure out how to capitalize on the new abilities of these scared shitless politicians so they can bottle it for sale.
Several CEO's have told us if they could produce and package this fear of Obama they could eliminate the need for steroids and become rich beyond their wildest dreams.
It's possible that with more research, products with names like 'Pariah', 'Persona Non Grata', 'Outlaw' and 'Black Sheep' could be showing up at a GNC store near you very soon.