Written by Vondrook
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Tuesday, 12 August 2014

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Your Home, USA-Mark Rosen has just entered your home to show you the great suction and cleaning power of his new Shark Rocket cleaning system, and to be honest, he can't believe how you and your family have survived without it.

"Its suction power is better than that of the Dyson cleaning system, and at less cost," Mark exclaims as he pushes his way through your front door and into your life. "Once you see the Shark in action, you will wonder how you lived without it."

You can begin by telling Mark that you don't know what a Dyson cleaning system is, and that what he is plugging into your wall looks a heck of a lot like a vacuum cleaner.

"It's not just a vacuum cleaner," Mark explains while pushing his glasses back up to his face, slightly out of breath from excitement. "It's a system of cleaning that will render you breathless. Watch!"

Mark then lays out a fine line of dirt all over your carpet and asks you if you have any children. And if you do have children, he wants to know if they play outside frequently. You tell Mark that you are not comfortable giving a vacuum cleaner salesman that kind of information and he apologizes, but not by first telling you that children carry all sorts of dirt and germs from outside the home into the home, and without a proper system of cleaning, a la a Shark Rocket, your children will be susceptible to asthma and airborne allergens that can render your children helpless.

Mark turns the vacuum cleaner on and sucks up the line of dirt while saying, "Your home is where your family should feel safest, but how can they be if it makes them sick?"

Before you can tell Mark to get the hell out of your goddamn house, he turns the vacuum off and unhinges the vacuum's collection box to show you all the filth and dirt that are hiding in your carpet. "Do you see all of this," he asks in amazement. "Your fragile children have been breathing this in for goodness knows how long!"

You begin to feel like you have failed your family, because well, you have. Without the Shark Rocket, your family is not safe from their own home. It is your job and responsibility as a parent for your children's well-being and you can't even do that. Christ, if you had only known. This is the kind of stuff they don't teach in college. This is life.

Mark can see in your eyes the desperation and despair. "It's okay," Mark says calmly and assuredly. "It's going to be okay. You didn't know. But now you can do something about it. For just five payments of $39.99, you can keep your family safe from your ignorance."

You begin to get your checkbook, but first begin to wonder how human beings have been able to survive this long without the assistance of the Shark Rocket. After all, it's only been around for a couple of years and already we have a world that is overpopulated. Perhaps it was wrong of you to assume that the Shark Rocket vacuum system was on par with penicillin or the cure for Polio. Maybe you should go back to the living room and tell Mark to fuck off.

Uh-oh. Is he holding some billiard balls? Is he preparing to further display the incredible suction power of the Shark Rocket? Okay, if that Shark Rocket cleaning system really can suck in all those billiard balls, I think he may have a valid point about your child's health. But maybe you want to get that old bowling ball out of the closet first. You can't be too sure of these things.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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