Written by barrettpfeiffer
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Tuesday, 12 August 2014

At 5:56 p.m on August 11, 2014, Christiansberg, Virginia police received a call from inside the Christiansberg Retirement Home. On the other line was a frightened employee who claimed that the entire home was being taken over by riot.

I am as shocked as everyone else when we find out the elderly have had it with their own caring workers, and at 5:56 nonetheless. That's bedtime in Christansberg.

Earlier that evening, the folks "living" there got their treat in with their weekly Movie Monday. This week's showing was none other than Rise of the Planet of the Apes. By the time the film had ended, the folks had gotten so worked up that a classic Caesar-Riot ensued upon the home.

"We hadn't seen them move like this in years," said an anonymous employee, "Mr. Jacobs hasn't talked since Vietnam until today. He was standing on our coffee table so I told him to get off. He pulled my shirt collar close to him and he yelled 'NO!'."

Police arrived at the scene moments after the call and were immediately greeted by flying shards of Monopoly pieces. Police on the scene fired back with shots of their own but were unable to pass go as they were overtaken by the sluttier elderly women.

(A one Officer Henson is currently undergoing surgery for a lodged thimble in his scrotum)

The two officers that responded first called for backup, but by the time backup arrived the riot had died down, literally. All in all, there were 21 heart attacks followed by 32 broken hips in the mayhem. The folks that weren't injured just got tired and went to bed. One can only imagine what this means for the future of Christiansberg Retirement Home...and Movie Monday.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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