Written by Frank Michaels
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Topics: Beer, Booze, Breweries

Sunday, 10 August 2014

image for Big Name Brewers About to Invade With Radical New Boozes
The new boozes are designed to delight the senses of all!

Kelly's Bar, Harper Valley (STT News) With the smaller craft beer industry gaining steam as the mega-breweries see constant slippage in sales, there had to be counter-offensive. It was just a matter of time and waiting to see what the giants would toss out into the arena.

That time has now arrived.

On the shelf starting on or around Labor Day in the US, the major beer branders will be testing the consumer's eyes and taste buds with some of the most unusual mixes & brews imaginable...

Toenail-ber-Rita is the next of a growing line of brew variations to the old Margarita cocktail. This one will be based on the flavor of fallen/discarded toenails found in most all of San Francisco's city parks. It is indeed challenging but the maker is betting that their targeted customer base, Millennials, will love the radical concept and clip the shelves dry.

O'Possum's Puree' will be coming from the same state that recently legalized marijuana but will be aimed at the aging and oft-crotchety Boomer generation by combining a culturally familiar road-kill marsupial with an Irish rendering in the name. The contents will contain authentic dead possum hair and the label's image will show a rotting carcass holding an empty beer bottle in one paw. It is believed that old rednecks will flock to the flavor concept.

Labor Pain Ale -or- LPA takes the name of its holiday due-date and twizzles it with the currently popular IPA types to attract a more liberal, feministic audience. It's a milder, amber/red ale that contains less flavor but more alcohol than a sanitizing, post-birth swabbing. Guys, you'd better hold her hand tight even while she curses your very existence!

There's a lot more coming this way and we'll be covering their arrival by the bottle and by the chug so... stay tuned!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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