ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. - FOX News talking head Bill O'Reilly was arrested last light in downtown Albuquerque for a number of charges, including Impersonating a Police Officer.
"We discovered Mr. O'Reilly in a downtown alley with a sharp long wire. He was poking at several homeless people he must have kidnapped and we believe that he herded them all into a makeshift pen," said Robert Lopez, Albuquerque Police Dept. Downtown Precinct #3 shift commander.
"We didn't charge him with kidnapping, since Impersonating a Police Officer is a pretty serious charge. Even though it's a relatively minor felony in New Mexico, it is still a felony, and brings with it a maximum of 89 years in prison in New Mexico," Lopez said.
"Mr. O'Reilly was wearing a long summer dress that he had shoplifted at a Dollar Bongo Store-a-Brama, one of our local discount big lot chains," Lopez said. "He had pinned to this off-white dress an Albuquerque Police Dept. patrolman's badge. It was an actual badge that belongs to one of our young rookie beat cops. How Mr. O'Reilly came upon the badge is a mystery, and this is still under investigation," Lopez said.
The shift commander said O'Reilly was screaming and hissing at three homeless men who were trapped in a small fence he had constructed earlier in the afternoon. The atmosphere around the scene was "concentration camp style," to use Lopez's own words, and the unfortunate societal pariahs were bleating and grunting like farm animals with each sharp poke of the long, nasty, sharp wire.
"He's kind of a big, gawky, ugly old man, but man, oh man, what kind of a hideous old witch he made in that summer dress," one of the homeless men, Fred Bonesky, said as he was lying on a stretcher, waiting to be lifted into an ambulance at the crime scene.
Bonesky was bleeding profusely from the head and neck. He said O'Reilly stabbed him at least 40 times with the sword-like weapon.
"He kept jeering and mocking us," Bonesky faintly gasped. "He called us all sorts of names and jabbed us with that pointy wire."
"He kept yelling, 'I wrote Killing Jesus and now I want to kill some of you bums as a reward for writing such a great bestselling piece of theological wizardry. Who needs Operation Cable Splicer and Operation Garden Plot when Bill O'Reilly's in town!" Bonesky added.
Downtown Third-Precinct Shift Commander Lopez reported that O'Reilly might also be charged with attempted murder for brutalizing the trio of indigents with the wire weapon he'd construed, managing somehow to file its end down with some sandpaper he'd also shoplifted from an Albuquerque hardware store.
Lopez added that all three were frail and in poor health and if any of them actually dies, murder charges will ultimately be tacked onto the litany of other criminal offenses.
"Bill O'Reilly might just go down as a serial killer if all three perish. Add that to his Wikipedia page," Lopez mentioned.
A little old lady happened upon the alley by mistake. She had been reported missing by her 69-year-old son thirteen days ago and the dementia victim somehow evaded police detection by wandering around downtown Albuquerque for days on end. She walked up to O'Reilly and said, "That's not very nice, mam, poking those poor bums with that sharp piece of wire."
And O'Reilly snatched the old woman's purse and hit her over the head with it, yelling, "Mind your own bees-wax, you old bat! Don't you know who I am?! I'm Bill O'Reilly of FOX News and I'm the judge, jury and executioner here. And I'm the theologian who singlehandedly wrote Killing Jesus and made an absolute mint by my Ponzi-scheming marketing attack of my book on The O'Reilly Factor!"
"We confiscated the old lady's purse. O'Reilly threw it in the pen and ordered his subjugated homeless victims to guard it with their lives," Lopez explained.
"Mr. O'Reilly also shoplifted fencing, along with thick cable wiring, from which he devised his rough-and-ready swords - we discovered many of them at the crime scene. They were lined up on the sidewalk like a surgeon's tools in an operating room. Oh, it was so clinical and scary. I mean we couldn't ascertain what all this horrible poking he was involved with was all about, it's still under investigation," the shift commander said.
"And he tried to slough out of Sunny Fun Time to Work & Sweat Hardware Mart on Sangre Street with a chainsaw. It's a good thing he dropped it in the parking lot as he was running from the store's security guards. God knows what he would've done to his homeless prisoners if he successfully pilfered such a torture implement," Lopez said.
The ruckus O'Reilly started got quite a crowd. Among them were members of the city's LGBT community, who egged O'Reilly on, not only lauding him, but applauding him for his cross dressing.
"You go, Bill, let the woman within you come out! We know there's a mean old girl in there somewhere!" yelled a lesbian.
"Set her free, Bill! Set her free!" yelled another woman.
"Yeah, Bill, just think of all the LGBTs on the left right now and if you went on the air, dressed like Matiilda MacGillicutty at least one day a week, just think how many of us would be on the far right side of the fence! Now most of us are on the left hand side. Nobody else wants us, you see. But if we could get you, Bill, you, cross dressing at least once a week on The O'Reilly Factor, a lot of us would sway on over to the right! You could be the straw that broke the camel's back!" yelled a man with his arm around his boyfriend.
"You're the ultimate dominatrix Billy Boy! How's about stopping over to my flat later on this evening. You can give me that treatment! I like it a bit rougher, though. But you've got that spunk, Billy Boy!" a stately looking, old gent dressed in a sharkskin suit jubilantly wailed.
"I'm S & M to the maximum, Billy, and I've always leaned over to the big capital "M" side of the persuasion! You can swash-buckle me, too! " another sharp-dressed, elderly man cried.
"There's nothing wrong with dressing like a woman, Bill. Megyn Kelly does it every night!" another gay man yelled.
"Yeah Bill, you might not be as cute as Megyn, but a lot of the LGBTs you'll attract are intrigued by the mean-looking witch type of lady," another lesbian woman screamed.
The Albuquerque Police Dept. also charged O'Reilly with a Misdemeanor 6 Charge of 'Crossdressing in Public,' which hasn't been levied since the late 1800s.
"He just caused too much commotion," Lopez said. "It's an old, antiquated law, but it's still on the city ordinances.
"I mean, there he was, in that dress, decked out like an old school marm, and about 200 people from our whacked-out LGBT community were cheering him on like he just won the Heisman trophy for each and every one of them," the shift commander noted.
Although the "Cross dressing in Public" charge does not come with any jail time, a judge could fine O'Reilly as much as $2,000 for this offense alone, Lopez mentioned.
"It's 2014 and even Albuquerque has caught up with the times, although we're known for having very conservative politics," Lopez said. "Just suffice it to say that we hit Mr. O'Reilly with the 'Cross Dressing in Public' violation simply because we're really mean coppers."
The Albuquerque Police Dept. is known for being a mean-spirited and vindictive bunch. In the past year alone, they've killed 5,698 homeless people and injured at least 20,000, police reports indicate.
Bill O'Reilly's agent said O'Reilly has opted to go with a public defender in the face of all these criminal charges.
"He's a little tight with his wallet and said he'd rather go with a public defender than hire his own attorney or legal team. He's a penny pincher and this could ultimately come back to bite him," the agent said.
"Good luck, Bill. If Albuquerque has its way with you, you could be spending the next 195 years in jail," the agent concluded.
Bill O'Reilly snapped, "I have no comment, no comment whatsoever," when asked about the entire ordeal he'd gotten himself into, as "Albuquerque's Finest" were leading him from the crime scene.