Written by E. Williams
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Monday, 4 August 2014

Jerusalem - Most people would assume that working in a Secret Service position for a high ranking government official would be one of the most adrenaline-filled, exciting jobs one could ever have. But when that high ranking government official happens to be John Kerry, who served in Vietnam, the job can be anything but James Bond-ish.

Many know of John Kerry's voice having the ability to cause normal people to wish for deafness, but it turns out everything about the man is one big snoozer.

Today, in Israel, where the Secretary of State has been trying to broker a Mid-East peace deal, an unknown number of his bodyguards and security personnel actually died of boredom.

A look at the activity log found on the body of one of the bodyguards who succumbed to the boredom reveals just how dire the situation was:

7:00 am - Secretary, upon waking, calls in room service breakfast of corn flakes and milk, side of toast.

7:50 am - Clips toenails and buffs with emery board while whistling for fifteen minutes. (This is the most boring job I have ever had.)

8:05 am - Channel surfs and settles on Hebrew dubbed rerun episode of Murder She Wrote.

9:00 am - Took phone call from Bibi Netanyahu in which Secretary simply answered "yes" or "no" to each question for 35 minutes. No headway made on peace deal.

9:35 am - Secretary stared out 6th floor window in his underwear for twenty minutes, scratching himself occasionally.

10:00 am - Secretary showered and shaved, singing out loud in booming baritone voice "Let It Go" song from Frozen - for an hour. (OMG!!!!)

11:00 am - Emerged from bathroom and announced he was going to take a nap.

12:30 pm - Secretary awoke, got dressed and wanted to go have lunch somewhere. (Finally, some action!)

12:31 pm - President Obama called to insist Secretary join conference call with other cabinet members. (Motherf*$#er!)

2:10 pm - Secretary ends conference call and says he's too tired to go out. Calls room service again.

3:00 pm - Secretary decides it's too late to get anything accomplished today. Wants to head down to pool and soak in hot tub.

3:03 pm - Secretary hits the crapper with USA Today under arm.

3:15 pm - Exits bathroom and gets sidetracked watching reports of misery in Gaza, broken cease-fire details, etc. on CNN.

4:00 pm - (This boring dude better do SOMETHING soon or I'm going to lose it!)

4:05 pm - (Knock at the door gets my heart rate pumping but it's just somebody from the Prime Minister's office dropping off some papers for Secretary to look over. False alarm. Stay vigilant!)

4:45 pm - Secretary is still pacing his room, rehearsing speech for press conference tomorrow in that God-awful monotone voice of his.

5:00 pm - Secretary informs us that he has company coming over for the evening so we will be staying in again tonight. This is my final entry. A bunch of us are taking our early cyanide pensions tonight. This guy sucks! Goodbye cruel world…

Oddly, all of the deceased had their cyanide capsules intact, apparently unable to take them before the boredom of Kerry settled over them like a warm, welcoming blanket of death. Poor bastards. We thank them for their service.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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