Written by Cool Papa Bell
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Topics: Donald Trump, Ebola

Sunday, 3 August 2014

MANHATTAN -- Donald Trump is insisting the American returned to U.S. soil with the Ebola virus has contracted a mutated zombie strain of the disease that can reanimate the dead, which could lead to Democrats trying to register them to vote, according to information he obtained from Sarah Palin's Internet channel.

"I know that I and many like-minded Americans are fearing for the safety of our brains," said Trump, a noted germophobe, hypochondriac and toe sucker. "A zombie virus would devastate our nation, and force many of us to wear pith helmets for protection."

Trump said the brains of those with higher intellects, such as himself, Palin and the Fox & Friends cast, would be targeted first, since they have a more tempting salty-sweet taste, like a PayDay.

Trump fears the Centers for Disease Control is conspiring with the Obama administration to unleash as a zombie epidemic to prevent Republicans from gaining control of the Senate in mid-term elections this year.

"Everyone knows that the brains of the poor, minorities, women and liberals have little flavor, kind of like rice cakes, so the walking dead would have no interest in them as they head to the voting booth," said Trump.

"I expect the walking dead would mindlessly follow the Democrats, with promises of opening our cemetery borders and zombie immigration reform that would put the burden on our living taxpayers."

Trump, who believes strands of his hair would make a tasty Ramen noodle-like complement for a leafy cerebral cortex in a quick-toss brain salad, said Americans should brace for what's coming by being heavily-armed and well-informed.

"Guns, shovels, ice picks, chainsaws, Alex Jones -- that is our salvation," he said.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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