DETROIT, Mich. - The entire population of Michigan's largest city, Detroit, has somehow come down with Mad Cow Disease.
All 701,475 residents of this hard-luck place were struck with this horrible affliction Friday night, between 9 p.m. and 11 p.m., of which there is no cure. Its cause and curse: Some mysterious protein eats away at one's brain. When this protein is put into a hazardous waste incinerator, it still thrives, even at a hot-Venus-exoplanet temperature of 4,000 degrees Fahrenheit.
"It's a nasty little bug," said Dr. Irving Fishwald Doosendorfer, "I've seen 450 patients this morning and the best thing I could do for most of the poor sots was to whack them with a lethal injection. I'm off and running again. I have to see at least another 2,000 people before my emergency room shift ends in another hour and a half."
Dr. Doosendorfer is a resident doctor at Detroit Silliman & Sinai Hospital on Fairborne and Kushwalfer streets. It's the same place that gives out free steroids to needy, floundering, professional athletes.
"Yes, there are groups of people walking around in circles, stumbling, whining, crying, they keep bumping into things. They run into walls, doors, windows. They stumble around for a few hours, then they flop onto the floor and wiggle around uncontrollably until they succumb to that otherworldly household pest, the Angel of Death," the doctor said as he was injecting antifreeze into a delirious woman in extreme pain.
Actually, the strain of the nasty brain protein that people get is medically termed as Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease. Normally, this sickness comes about from eating cattle affected by Mad Cow Disease, but in the case of Detroit, the entire city got walloped from eating rotten smelts caught from Lake Superior and from munching on tainted junk food purchased from corner mom & pop convenient stores, Dr. Doosendorfer explained.
Freemont T. Pickinsington, 7th ward Alderman, said, "And it's also in the sodas, juicy-juice kiddie drinks, macaroni & cheese, deviled eggs, Polish sausage, sauerkraut & noodles, beer, wine, and even in the cigarettes and cheap dime-store cigars."
"It's a mystery how Creutzfeldt-Jakob wound up here, in this city, in all these crazy, unrelated food-stuff and nicotine-and-alcohol-related things!
"I mean I talked to another reporter just an hour ago who asked what kinds of food was hit with this bug. I told him I'd give him a list of all the things not hit by this cursed protein. And only three things were on the list - spinach and McDonald's and Burger King hamburgers," Pickingsington added.
"We thought after we shut off all the water to the city's poor residents - and 725,000 people fall into this category - that all our problems would somehow subside. Then the Mad Cow hit and man, did Detroit buy the farm!" Pickinsington said.
Unbelievably, the entire population of Oakland County, Mich., was unaffected. This affluent suburb of Detroit, run by Republican Dictator L. Brooks Patterson, has been unscathed and everything's hunky dory in la-la-land.
"I know Brooksie had something to do with this," Pickinsington said. "It's gotta be some kind of right-wing conspiracy of some type or another....He hates Detroit and even mentioned in The New Yorker a few months ago that nobody should even stop for gas here, since our convenient stores are mere traps for car-jackings and stick-ups," Pickinsington said.
"Brooksie's thinking of going to Washington and getting executive orders passed so he can fence in all the zombies affected with the humanoid form of Mad Cow into the city limits, and then he can charge people from other states - sicko tourists, really - five bucks each to throw into the fence cigarettes, sardines, smelts, and bottles of beer," Pickinsington said.
"Ha ha ha, Brooksie's such a funny fella," the 7th ward alderman said with a saturnine bitter laugh.
"And now I hear that one of Brooksie's henchmen, a guy named Bruno T. Funskingswipe, is sending railroad cars into Detroit, packing up all our residents, and shipping them off to concentration camps in various cities throughout the United States that are defunct and vacated bus terminals," he added.
"Yes, Operation Cable Splicer and Operation Garden Plot are alive and well in the United Snakes of America!" said Pickinsington, who had ambitions to run on the 2016 Democratic ticket to become Detroit's next mayor, but who unfortunately also became afflicted by Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease and is only expected to live another day and a half.
This reporter tried contacting L. Brooks Patterson but a secretary at the Oakland County Executive Offices informed Mr. On-the-Spot-Cracker-Jack-Newspaperman that Brooksie was out carousing in his city-bought Cadillac drinking alcoholic beverages with his political cronies and some of his friends from the local media.
"He's bound to show up downtown in the wee hours of the morning with that Caddy. He most likely will run right into the downtown post office, right through the plate glass windows. He does this often, thinking the post office is a carry-out booze facility," the secretary, who identified herself as Monica T. Threepennywhistle, said.
According to Pickinsington, eating smelts and smoking cigarettes is now outlawed in the city. The National Guard has been called in and soldiers have been ordered to "shoot to kill" anyone they see nibbling on one of the little fish or smoking one of the unhealthy fags.
"Brooksie said to let them drink beer, just like Marie Antoinette. I mean Brooksie does all the time, drink beer and other alcoholic derivatives, so why not? There's nothing phony or pretentious about L. Brooks, that's for sure. He's one staight-shooting arrow," the 7th ward alderman mentioned.
Sixteen railroad cars have trucked out of the city packed with unfortunate victims of Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease. Another 100 boxcars are slated to take most of the remaining zombies out of the city and onto Operation Cable Splicer and Operation Garden Plot empty bus stop facilities, many of which are either in southern California, New York City, or Cleveland, Ohio.
"They have razor wire on top of their fences, which keeps the Creutzfeldt-Jakob zombies inside the fence and the good, outstanding, upstanding citizenry out," said Pickinsington, who had to cut short his interview because he had a doctor's appointment for shock treatments and a lobotomy, as a last ditch effort to get over his own Mad Cow bug.
"It looks like nobody's going to be at the Tiger's games this week," he added with another bitter laugh. "We're thinking of busing in disappointed fans from Cleveland who want to see a real baseball team since the Indians suck. They'd have a hard time playing a farm league schedule most years," he added.
Even with each Tiger player now afflicted with Mad Cow, the line has spotted the Tigers with a twenty-run lead over the Cleveland Indians.
"They're such nice boys, all those Tigers. And they didn't deserve to be hit with Mad Cow. Most of them aren't from Detroit, either. It's a terrible thing. Man, do I have a headache! It feels like someone put an axe through my poor aching skull! Funny thing is, it's a little late to turn the clock back now," Pickinsington said.